[Dramatis Personae (in order of appearance)
HIPOLITO, a Venetian gentleman
VIOLETTA, his sister
FIRST LADY, called Hero
VIRGILIO, a Venetian gentleman
THIRD LADY
CAMILLO, a Venetian gentleman in love with Violetta
SECOND LADY
BAPTISTA, a Venetian gentleman
BENTIVOLIO, a Venetian gentleman
DOYT, Hipolito's page
DANDIPRAT, Camillo's page
FONTINELL, a French gentleman
LAZARILLO de Tormes de Castille, a Spanish soldier
PILCHER, his boy
BLURT, master constable
SLUBBER, his beadle
TRUEPENNY, Violetta's page
serving-mEN
IMPERIA, a courtesan
TRIVIA, her maid
SIMPERINA, her maid
FRISCO, her porter
CURVETTO, an old courtier
MUSICIANS
A FRIAR
Five COURTESANS of Imperia's house
WOODCOCK, part of the watch
GULCH, part of the watch
ASORINO, a Venetian gentleman
The DUKE of Venice
KILDERKIN, part of the watch
PISSBREECH, part of the watch
CUCKOO, part of the watch
GARLIC, part of the watch]
Enter Camillo with Violetta, Hipolito, Baptisto, Bentivolio, and Virgilio, as returning from war, everyone with a glove in his hat, [Violetta and] ladies with them, Doyt and Dandiprat.
HIPOLITO
Ay, marry, sir, the only rising up in arms is in the arms of a
woman: Peace, I say still, is your only paradise, when every
Adam may have his Christmas Eve. And you take me lying any more
by the cold sides of a brazen-face field-piece, unless I have
such a down pillow under me, I'll give you leave to knock up both
my golls in my father's hall, and hang hats upon these tenpenny
nails.
VIOLETTA
And yet, brother, when with the sharpest hooks of my wit I labour'd
to pull you from the wars, you broke loose, like a horse that
knew his own strength, and vow'd nothing but a man of war should
back you.
HIPOLITO
I have been back'd since and almost unback'd too.
VIOLETTA
And swore that honour was never dyed in grain till it was dipp'd
in the colours of the field.
HIPOLITO
I am a new man, sister, and now cry a pox a' that honour, that
must have none but barber-surgeons to wait upon't, and a band
of poor straggling rascals, that every twinkling of an eye, forfeit
their legs and arms into the Lord's hands. Wenches, by Mars his
sweaty buff-jerkin (for now all my oaths must smell a' the soldado),
I have seen more men's heads spurn'd up and down like footballs
at a breakfast, after the hungry cannons had pick'd them, than
are maidenheads in Venice, and more legs of men serv'd in at a
dinner than ever I shall see legs of capons in one platter whilst
I live.
FIRST LADY
Perhaps all those were capons' legs you did see.
VIRGILIO
Nay, mistress, I'll witness against you for some of them.
VIOLETTA
I do not think for all this that my brother stood to it so lustily
as he makes his brags for.
THIRD LADY
No, no, these great talkers are never great doers.
VIOLETTA
Faith, brother, how many did you kill for your share?
HIPOLITO
Not so many as thou hast done with that villainous eye by a thousand.
VIOLETTA
I thought so much; that's just none.
CAMILLO
'Tis not a soldier's glory to tell how many lives he has ended,
but how many he has saved: in both which honours the noble Hipolito
had most excellent possession. Believe it, my fair mistress,
tho' many men in a battle have done more, your brother in this
equal'd him who did most. He went from you a worthy gentleman;
he brings with him that title that makes a gentleman most worthy,
the name of a soldier, which how well and how soon he hath earn'd
would in me seem glorious to rehearse, in you to hear, but because
his own ear dwells so near my voice, I will play the ill neighbour
and case to speak well of him.
VIOLETTA
An argument that either you dare not or love not to flatter.
CAMILLO
No more than I dare or love to do wrong; yet to make a chronicle
of my friend's nobly-acted deeds would stand as far from flattery
in me as cowardice did from him.
HIPOLITO
'Sfoot, if all the wit in this company have nothing to set itself
about but to run division upon me, why then e'en burn off mine
ears indeed; but, my little mermaids, Signior Camillo does this
that I now might describe the Ninevitical motion of the whole
battle, and so tell what he has done. And come, shall I begin?
FIRST LADY
O, for beauty's love, a good motion.
HIPOLITO
But I can tell you one thing, I shall make your hair stand up
an end at some things.
VIOLETTA
Prithee, good brother soldier, keep the peace. Our hair stand
an end? Pity a' my heart, the next end would be of our wits; we
hang out a white flag, most terrible Tamburlaine, and beg mercy.
Come, come, let us neither have your Ninevitcal motions nor your
swaggering battles. Why, my Lord Camillo, you invited me hither
to a banquet, not to the ballad of a pitch'd field.
CAMILLO
And here it stands, bright mistress, sweetly attending what doom
your lips will lay upon it.
VIOLETTA
Ay, marry, sir, let our teeth describe this motion.
SECOND LADY
We shall never describe it well for fumbling i' th' mouth.
HIPOLITO
Yes, yes, I have a trick to make us understand one another and
we fumble never so--
VIOLETTA
Meddle not with his tricks, sweet heart. Under pardon, my lord,
tho' I am your guest, I'll bestow myself. Sit, dear beauties:
for the men, let them take up places themselves. I prithee,
brother fighter, sit, and talk of any subject but this jangling
law at arms.
HIPOLITO
The law at legs then.
VIOLETTA
Will you be so lusty? No, nor legs neither; we'll them tied up
too. Since you are among ladies, gallants, handle those things
only that are fit for ladies.
HIPOLITO
Agreed, so that we go not out of the compass of those things are
fit for lords.
VIOLETTA
Be't so; what's the theme then?
FIRST LADY
Beauty; that fits us best.
CAMILLO
And of beauty what tongue would not speak the best, since it is
the jewel that hangs upon the brow of heaven, the best colour
that can be laid upon the cheek of earth? Beauty makes men gods
immortal by making mortal men to live ever in love.
SECOND LADY
Ever? Not so; I have heard that some men have died for love.
VIOLETTA
So have I, but I could never see't. I'd ride forty miles to follow
such a fellow to church, and would make more of a sprig of rosemary
at his burial than of a gilded bride-branch at mine own wedding.
CAMILLO
Take you such delight in men that die for love?
VIOLETTA
Not in the men nor in the death, but in the deed. Troth, I think
he is not a sound man that will die for a woman, and yet I would
never love a man soundly that would not knock at death's door
for my love.
HIPOLITO
I'd knock as long as I thought good, but have my brains knock'd
out when I enter'd, if I were he.
CAMILLO
What Venetian gentleman was there that having this in his burgonet
did not, to prove his head worthy of the honour, do more than
defy death to the very face? Trust us, ladies, our signiory stands
bound in greater sums of thanks to your beauties for victory than
to our valor. My dear Violetta, one kiss to this picture of your
whitest hand, when I was even faint with giving and receiving
the dole of war,
Set a new edge on my sword, insomuch that
I singled out a gallant spirit of France,
And charg'd him with my lance in full career;
And after rich exchange of noble courage
The space of a good hour on either side,
At last crying, "Now for Violetta's honour!"
I vanquish'd him, and him dismounted took
Not to myself, but prisoner to my love.
VIOLETTA
I have heard much praise of that French gallant; good my lord,
bring him acquainted with our eyes.
CAMILLO
I will. Go, boy, fetch noble Fontinell.
Exit [Dandiprat].
HIPOLITO
Will your French prisoner drink well? Or else, cut his throat.
CAMILLO
Oh no, he cannot brook it.
HIPOLITO
The pox he can! 'Slight, methinks a Frenchman should have a good
courage to wine, for many of them be exceeding hot fiery whoresons,
and resolute as Hector, and as valiant as Troilus; then come off
and on bravely, and lie by it, and sweat for't too, upon a good
and a military advantage.
Enter Fontinell.
CAMILLO
Prithee, have done; here comes the prisoner.
VIOLETTA
My lord Camillo, is this the gentleman
Whose valour by your valour is subdu'd?
CAMILLO
It is, fair lady, and I yield him up
To be your beauty's worthy prisoner.
Lord Fontinell, think your captivity
Happy in this; she that hath conquered me
Receives my conquest as my love's fair fee.
VIOLETTA
Fair stranger, droop not, since the chance of wars
Brings to the soldier death, restraint, or scars.
FONTINELL
Lady, I know the fortune of the field
Is death with honour, or with shame to yield,
As I have done.
VIOLETTA
In that no scandal lies;
Who dies when he may live, he doubly dies.
FONTINELL
My reputation's lost.
VIOLETTA
Nay, that's not so;
You [fled] not, but were vanquish'd by your foe.
The eye of war respects not you nor him;
It is our fate will have us lose or win.
You will disdain if I you prisoner call?
FONTINELL
No, but rejoice since I am beauty's thrall.
HIPOLITO
Enough of this; come, wenches, shake your heels.
CAMILLO
Music, advance thee on thy golden wing,
And dance division from sweet string to string.
FONTINELL
Camillo, I shall curb thy tyranny
In making me that lady's prisoner.
She has an angel's body, but within't,
Her coy heart says there lies a heart of flint.
Music for a measure. Whilst Fontinell speaks, they dance a strain.
Such beauty be my jailor? A heavenly hell!
The darkest dungeon which spite can devise
To throw this carcass in, her glorious eyes
Can make as lightsome as the fairest chamber
In Paris Louvre. Come, captivity,
And chain me to her looks; how am I toss'd,
Being twice in mind, as twice in body lost!
Violetta on a sudden breaks off, the rest stand talking.
CAMILLO
Not the measure out, fair mistress?
VIOLETTA
No, fair servant, not the measure out; I have on the sudden a
foolish desire to be out of the measure.
CAMILLO
What breeds that desire?
VIOLETTA
Nay, I hope it is no breeding matter. Tush, tush, by my maidenhead,
I will not; the music likes me not, and I have a shoe wrings me
to th' heart. Besides, I have a woman's reason: I will not dance,
because I will not dance. Prithee, dear Hero, take my prisoner
there into the measure; fie, I cannot abide to see a man sad nor
idle. I'll be out once, as the music is in mine ear.
FONTINELL
Lady, bid him whose heart no sorrow feels
Tickle the rushes with his wanton heels;
I have too much lead at mine.
FIRST LADY
I'll make it light.
FONTINELL
How?
FIRST LADY
By a nimble dance.
FONTINELL
You hit it right.
FIRST LADY
Your keeper bids you dance.
FONTINELL
Then I obey;
My heart I feel grows light, it melts away.
They dance, Violetta stands by marking Fontinell.
VIOLETTA
In troth, a very pretty Frenchman: the carriage of his body likes
me well; so does his footing; so does his face; so does his eye
above his face; so does himself, above all that can be above himself.
Camillo, thou hast played a foolish part;
Thy prisoner makes a slave of thy love's heart.
Shall Camillo then sing, "Willow, willow, willow?"
Not for the world. No, no, my French prisoner; I will use thee
Cupid knows how, and teach thee to fall into the hands of a woman.
If I do not feed thee with fair looks, ne'er let me live; if
thou getst out of my fingers till I have thy very heart, ne'er
let me love. Nothing but thy life shall serve my turn, and how
otherwise I'll plague thee, monsieur, you and I'll deal; only
this because I'll be sure he shall not start, I'll lock him in
a little low room besides himself, where his wanton eye shall
see neither sun nor moon. So, the dance is done, and my heart
has done her worst: made me in love. Farewell, my lord, I have
much haste, you have many thanks; I am angered a little, but am
greatly pleas'd. If you wonder that I take this strange leave,
excuse it thus, that women are strange fools and will take anything.
Exit.
HIPOLITO
Tricks, tricks, kerry merry buff! How now, lad, in a trance?
CAMILLO
Strange farewell. After, dear Hipolito.
0, what a maze is love of joy and woe!
Exeunt [Camillo and Hipolito].
FONTINELL
Strange frenzy. After, wretched Fontinell.
Oh, what a heaven is love! Oh, what a hell!
Exit. [Then exeunt omnes.]
[I.ii. A street before Blurt's house]
Enter Lazarillo melancholy, and Pilcher his boy.
LAZARILLO
Boy, I am melancholy because I burn.
PILCHER
And I am melancholy because I am a-cold.
LAZARILLO
I pine away with the desire of flesh.
PILCHER
It's neither flesh nor fish that I pine for, but for both.
LAZARILLO
Pilcher, Cupid hath got me a stomach, and I long for lac'd mutton.
PILCHER
Plain mutton without a lace would serve me.
LAZARILLO
For as your tame monkey is your only best, and most only beast
to your Spanish lady, or as your tobacco is your only smoker away
of rheum and all other rheumatic diseases, or as your Irish louse
does bite most naturally fourteen weeks after the change of your
saffron-seamed shirt, or as the commodities which are sent out
of the Low Countries and put in vessels called Mother Cornelius'
dry-fats are most common in France, so it pleaseth the destinies
that I should thirst to drink out of a most sweet Italian vessel,
being a Spaniard.
PILCHER
What vessel is that, signior?
LAZARILLO
A woman, Pilcher, the moist-handed Madonna Imperia, a most rare
and divine creature.
PILCHER
A most rascally damn'd courtesan.
LAZARILLO
Boy, hast thou foraged the country for a new lodging? For I have sworn to lay my bones in this chitty of Venice.
PILCHER
Any man that sees us will swear that we shall both lay our bones,
and nothing but bones, and we stalk here longer. They tell me,
signior, I must go to the constable, and he is to see you lodg'd.
LAZARILLO
Inquire for that busy member of the chitty.
Enter Doyt and Dandiprat passing over [the stage].
PILCHER
I will, and here come a leash of informers. Save you, plump youths.
DANDIPRAT
And thee, my lean stripling.
PILCHER
Which is the constable's house?
DOYT
That at the sign of the Brown Bill.
PILCHER
Farewell.
DANDIPRAT
Why, and farewell. [To Doyt] The rogue's made of pie
crust, he's so short.
PILCHER
The officious gentleman inherits here.
LAZARILLO
Knock, or enter, and let thy voice pull him out by the ears.
He knocks.
DOYT
'Slid, Dandiprat, this is the Spanish curtal that in the last
battle fled twenty miles ere he look'd behind him.
DANDIPRAT
Doyt, he did the wiser; but, sirrah, this block shall be a rare
threshold for us to whet our wits upon. Come, let's about our
business, and if here we find him at our return, he shall find
us this month in knavery.
Exeunt [Doyt and Dandiprat].
PILCHER
What ho! Nobody speaks. Where dwells the constable?
Enter Blurt and Slubber the beadle.
BLURT
Here dwells the constable. [To Slubber] Call assistance,
give them my full charge, raise if you see cause. [To Pilcher]
Now, sir, what are you, sir?
PILCHER
Follower to that Spanish-leather gentleman.
BLURT
And what are you, sir, that cry out upon me? [To Slubber]
Look to his tools. [To Lazarillo] What are you, sir?
Speak, what are you? I charge you, what are you?
LAZARILLO
Most clear mirror of magistrates, I am servitor to god Mars.
BLURT
For your serving of God I am not to meddle. Why do you raise
me?
LAZARILLO
I desire to have a wide room in your favour: sweet blood, cast
away your name upon me, for I neither know you by your face, nor
by your voice.
BLURT
It may be so, sir. I have two voices in any company: one, as
I am master constable; another, as I am Blurt; and the third,
as I am Blurt, master constable.
LAZARILLO
I understand, you are a mighty pillar or post in the chitty.
BLURT
I am a poor post, but not to stand at every man's door, without
my bench of bill-men. I am, for a better, the duke's own image,
and charge you in his name to obey me.
LAZARILLO
I do so.
BLURT
I am to stand, sir, in any bawdy house, or sink of wickedness.
I am the duke's own grace, and in any fray or resurrection, am
to bestir my stumps as well as he. I charge you know this staff.
SLUBBER
Turn the arms to him.
BLURT
Upon this may I lean, and no man say black's mine eye.
LAZARILLO
Whosoever says you have a black eye is a camooche. Most great
Blurt, I do unpent-house the roof of my carcass and touch the
knee of thy office in Spanish compliment. I desire to sojourn
in your chitty.
BLURT
Sir, sir, for fault of a better, I am to charge you not to keep
a-soldiering in our city without a precept. Besides, by my office
I am to search and examine you. Have you the duke's hand to pass?
LAZARILLO
Signior, no, I have the general's hand at large, and all his fingers.
BLURT
Except it be for the general good of the commonwealth, the general
cannot lead you up and down our city.
LAZARILLO
I have the general's hand to pass through the world at my pleasure.
BLURT
At your pleasure! That's rare. Then, roly-poly, our wives shall
lie at your command. Your general has no such authority in my
precinct, and therefore I charge you pass no further.
LAZARILLO
I tell thee, I will pass through the world, thou little morsel
of justice, and eat twenty such as thou art.
BLURT
Sir, sir, you shall find Venice out of the world: I'll tickle
you for that.
LAZARILLO
I will pass through the world, as Alexander Magnus did, to conquer.
BLURT
As Alexander of Saint Magnus did? That's another matter: you
might have informed this at the first, and you never needed to
have come to your answer. Let me see your pass; if it be not
the duke's hand, I'll tickle you for all this. Quickly, I pray;
this staff is to walk in other places.
LAZARILLO
There it is.
BLURT
Slubber, read it over.
LAZARILLO
Read it yourself; what besonian is that?
BLURT
This is my clerk, sir; he has been clerk to a good many bonds
and bills of mine. I keep him only to read, for I cannot; my
office will not let me.
PILCHER
Why do you put on your spectacles then?
BLURT
To see that he read right. How now, Slubber, is't the duke's
hand? I'll tickle him else.
SLUBBER
Mass, 'tis not like his hand.
BLURT
Look well; the duke has a wart on the back of his hand.
SLUBBER
Here's none, on my word, master constable, but a little blot.
BLURT
Blot? Let's see, let's see. Ho, that stands for the wart; do
you not see the trick of that? Stay, stay; is there not a little
prick in the hand? for the duke's hand had a prick in't when I
was with him, with opening oysters.
SLUBBER
Yes, mass, here's one; besides, 'tis a goodly great long hand.
BLURT
So has the duke a goodly huge hand; I have shook him by it (God
forgive me) ten thousand times. He must pass like Alexander of
Saint Magnus. Well, sir,--'tis your duty to stand bare--the duke
has sent his fist to me, and I were a Jew if I should shrink for
it. I obey; you must pass, but pray take heed with what dice
you pass, I mean what company, for Satan is most busy where he
finds one like himself. Your name, sir?
LAZARILLO
Lazarillo de Tormes in Castille, cousin-german to the adolantado
of Spain.
BLURT
Are you so, sir? God's blessing on your heart. Your name again,
sir, if it be not too tedious for you?
LAZARILLO
Lazarillo de Tormes in Castille, cousin-german to the Spanish
adolantado.
SLUBBER
I warrant he's a great man in his own country.
BLURT
H'as a good name; Slubber, set it down: write, Lazarus in torment
at the castle, and a cozening German at the sign of the Falantido
diddle in Spain. So, sir, you are engross'd. You must give my
officer a groat; it's nothing to me, signior.
LAZARILLO
I will cancel when it comes to a sum.
BLURT
Well, sir, well; he shall give you an item for't. [To Slubber]
Make a bill and he'll tear it, he says.
LAZARILLO
Most admirable Blurt, I am a man of war and profess fighting.
BLURT
I charge you, in the duke's name, keep the peace.
LAZARILLO
By your sweet favour, most dear Blurt, you charge too fast; I
am a hanger-on upon Mars, and have a few crowns.
PILCHER
Two, his own and mine.
LAZARILLO
And desire you to point out a fair lodging for me and my train.
BLURT
'Tis my office, signior, to take men up a-nights; but if you will,
my maids shall take you up a-mornings, since you profess fighting.
I will commit you, signior, to mine own house; but will you pitch
and pay, or will your worship run--
LAZARILLO
I scorn to run from the face of Thamer Cham.
BLURT
Then, sir, you mean not to run?
LAZARILLO
Signior, no.
BLURT
Bear witness, Slubber, that his answer is, Signior No: so now
if he runs upon the score, I have him straight upon Signior No.
This is my house, signior; enter.
LAZARILLO
March, excellent Blurt. Attend, Pilcher.
Exeunt [Lazarillo, Blurt, and Slubber]. Enter Doyt and Dandiprat.
PILCHER
Upon your trencher, signior, most hungerly.
DOYT
Now, sirrah, where's thy master?
PILCHER
The constable has press'd him.
DOYT
What, for a soldier?
PILCHER
Ay, for a soldier; but ere he'll go, I think, indeed, he and I
shall press the constable.
DANDIPRAT
No matter; squeeze him, and leave no more liquor in him than in
a dry'd neat's tongue. Sirrah Thin-gut, what's thy name?
PILCHER
My name, you chops? Why, I am of the blood of the Pilchers.
DANDIPRAT
Nay, 'sfoot, if one should kill thee, he could not be hang'd for't,
for he would shed no blood; there's none in thee. Pilcher? Th'art
a most pitiful dried one.
DOYT
I wonder thy master does not slice thee, and swallow thee for
an anchovies.
PILCHER
He wants wine, boy, to swallow me down, for he wants money to
swallow down wine. But farewell; I must dog my master.
DANDIPRAT
As long as thou dog'st a Spaniard, thou'lt ne'er be fatter. But
stay; our haste is as great as thine, yet to endear ourselves
into thy lean acquaintance, cry, rivo ho!, laugh and be fat, and
for joy that we are met, we'll meet and be merry. Sing.
PILCHER
I'll make a shift to squeak.
DOYT
And I.
DANDIPRAT
And I, for my profession is to shift as well as you. Hem.
Sing. Music.
Exeunt.
[II.i. Outside a tennis court]
Enter Fontinell from tennis, and Truepenny with him.
FONTINELL
Am I so happy then?
TRUEPENNY
Nay, sweet monsieur.
FONTINELL
0 boy, thou hast new-wing'd my captiv'd soul!
Now to my fortune all the Fates may yield,
For I have won where first I lost the field.
TRUEPENNY
Why, sir, did my mistress prick you with the Spanish needle of
her love, before I summon'd you from her to this parley?
FONTINELL
Doubts thou that, boy?
TRUEPENNY
Of mine honesty, I doubt extremely, for I cannot see the little
god's tokens upon you. There is as much difference between you
and a lover as between a cuckold and a unicorn.
FONTINELL
Why, boy?
TRUEPENNY
For you do not wear a pair of ruffled, frowning, ungartered stockings,
like a gallant that hides his small-timber'd legs with a quail-pipe
boot. Your hose stands upon too many points, and are not troubled
with that falling sickness which follows pale, meagre, miserable,
melancholy lovers. Your hands are not groping continually.
FONTINELL
Where, my little observer?
TRUEPENNY
In your greasy pocket, sir, like one that wants a cloak for the
rain, and yet is still weather-beaten. Your hat nor head are
not of the true heigh-ho block, for it should be broad-brimm'd,
limber, like the skin of a white pudding when the meat is out,
the facing fatty, the felt dusty, and not enter'd into any band;
but your hat is of the nature of a loose, light, heavy-swelling
wench, too strait-laced. I tell you, Monsieur, a lover should
be all loose from the sole of the foot rising upward, and from
the bases or confines of the slop falling downwards. If you were
in my mistress's chamber, you should find othergates privy signs
of love hanging out there.
FONTINELL
Have your little eyes watch'd so narrowly?
TRUEPENNY
Oh sir, a page must have a cat's eye, a spaniel's leg, a whore's
tongue (a little tasting of the cog), a catchpole's hand (what
he grips is his own), and a little, little body.
FONTINELL
Fair Violetta, I will wear thy love,
Like this French order, near unto my heart.
Via for fate! Fortune, lo, this is all.
At grief's rebound I'll mount, although I fall.
Enter Camillo and Hipolito from tennis, Doyt and Dandiprat with their cloaks and rapiers.
CAMILLO
Now, by Saint Mark, he's a most treacherous villain.
Dare the base Frenchman's eye gaze on my love?
HIPOLITO
Nay, sweet rogue, why wouldst thou make his face a vizard, to
have two loopholes only? When he comes to a good face, may he
not do with his eyes what he will? 'Sfoot, if I were as he, I'd
pull them out, and if I wist they would anger thee.
CAMILLO
Thou add'st heat to my rage; away, stand back.
Dishonored slave, more treacherous than base,
This is the instance of my scorn'd disgrace.
FONTINELL
Thou ill-advis'd Italian, whence proceeds
This sudden fury?
CAMILLO
Villain, from thee.
HIPOLITO
Hercules
Stand between them!
FONTINELL
Villain? By my blood!
I am as free-born as your Venice duke!
Villain? Saint Dennis and my life to boot,
Thy lips shall kiss this pavement or my foot.
HIPOLITO
Your foot? With a pox! I hope y'are no pope, sir. His lips shall
kiss my sister's soft lip, and thine, the tough lip of this.
Nay, sir, I do but shew you that I have a tool. Do you hear,
Saint Dennis? But that we both stand upon the narrow bridge of
honour, I should cut your throat now, for pure love you bear to
my sister, but that I know you would set out a throat.
CAMILLO
Wilt thou not stab the peasant
That thus dishonors both thyself and me?
HIPOLITO
Saint Mark set his marks upon me then. Stab? I'll have my shins
broken, ere I'll scratch so much as the skin off a' the law of
arms. Shall I make a Frenchman cry O! before the fall of the
leaf? Not I, by the cross of this Dandiprat.
DANDIPRAT
If you will, sir, you shall coin me into a shilling.
HIPOLITO
I shall lay too heavy a cross upon thee then.
CAMILLO
Is this a time to jest? Boy, call my servants.
DOYT
Gentlemen, to the dresser!
Enter serving-men.
CAMILLO
You rogue, what dresser? Seize on Fontinell,
And lodge him in a dungeon presently.
FONTINELL
He steps upon his death that stirs a foot.
CAMILLO
That shall I try; as in the field before
I made thee stoop, so here I'll make thee bow.
FONTINELL
Thou played'st the soldier then, the villain now.
Camillo and his men set upon him, get him down and disweapon him, and hold him fast.
FONTINELL
Treacherous Italians!
CAMILLO
Hale him to a dungeon.
There, if your thoughts can apprehend the form
Of Violetta, dote on her rare feature;
Or if your proud flesh with a sparing diet
Can still retain her swelling spritefulness,
Then court instead of her the croaking vermin
That people that most solitary vault.
HIPOLITO
But sirrah Camillo, wilt thou play the wise and venerable bearded
master constable and commit him indeed, because he would be meddling
in thy precinct, and will not put off the cap of his love to the
brown bill of thy desires? Well, thou hast given the law of arms
a broken pate already; therefore, if thou wilt needs turn broker
and be a cutthroat too, do. For my part, I'll go get a sweetball
and wash my hands of it.
CAMILLO
Away with him; my life shall answer it.
FONTINELL
To prison must I then? Well, I will go,
And with a light-wing'd spirit insult o'er woe,
For in the darkest hell on earth, I'll find
Her fair idea to content my mind.
Yet France and Italy with blistered tongue
Shall publish thy dishonour in my wrong.
Oh, now how happy wert thou, couldst thou lodge me
Where I could leave to love her?
CAMILLO
By heaven I can.
FONTINELL
Thou canst? O happy man!
This [is] a kind of new invented law:
First feed the axe, after produce the saw.
Her heart no doubt will thy affections feel,
For thou'lt plead sighs in blood, and tears in steel.
Boy, tell my love her love thus sighing spake:
I'll vail my crest to death, for her dear sake.
Exit [Fontinell, guarded by serving-men].
CAMILLO
Boy? What boy is that?
HIPOLITO
Is't you, Sir Pandarus, the broking knight of Troy? Are your two
legs the pair of trestles for the Frenchman to get up upon my
sister?
TRUEPENNY
By the Nine Worthies, worthy gallants, not I. I, a gentleman
for convenience? I, Sir Pandarus? Would Troy then were in my
breeches, and I burnt worse than poor Troy. Sweet signior, you
know, I know, and all Venice knows that my mistress scorns double-dealing
with her heels.
HIPOLITO
With her heels? 0, here's a sure pocket dag, and my sister shoots
him off snipsnap at her pleasure. Sirrah Mephostophiles, did
not you bring letters from my sister to the Frenchman?
TRUEPENNY
Signior, no.
CAMILLO
Did not you fetch him out of the tennis court?
TRUEPENNY
No, point, per ma foy. You see I have many tongues
speak for me.
HIPOLITO
Did not he follow your crackship, at a beck given?
TRUEPENNY
Ita, true, certes, he spied, and I spitting thus, went
thus.
HIPOLITO
But were stay'd thus.
TRUEPENNY
You hold a' my side, and therefore I must needs stick to you.
'Tis true; I going, he followed, and following, finger'd me,
just as your worship does now. But I struggled and straggled,
and wriggled and wraggled, and at last cried vale, valete,
as I do now, with this fragment of rhyme:
My lady is grossly fall'n in love, and yet her waist is slender;
Had I not slipp'd away, you would have made my buttocks tender.
Exit.
DANDIPRAT
Shall Doyt and I play the bloodhounds and after him?
CAMILLO
No, let him run.
HIPOLITO
Not for this wager of my sister's love; run. Away, Dandiprat;
catch Truepenny and hold him. Thyself shall pass more currant.
DANDIPRAT
I fly, sir; your Dandiprat is as light as a clipp'd angel.
Exit.
HIPOLITO
Nay, God's lid, after him, Camillo. Reply not, but away.
CAMILLO
Content; you know where to meet.
Exit.
HIPOLITO
For I know that the only way to win a wench is not to woo her;
the only way to have her fast is to have her loose. The only
way to triumph over her is to make her fall; and the way to make
her fall--
DOYT
Is to throw her down.
HIPOLITO
Are you so cunning, sir?
DOYT
0 Lord, sir, and have so perfit a master.
HIPOLITO
Well, sir, you know the gentlewoman that dwells in the midst of
Saint Mark's Street.
DOYT
Midst of Saint Mark's Street, sir?
HIPOLITO
A pox on you! The flea-bitten-fac'd lady.
DOYT
Oh, sir, the freckle-cheek Madonna; I know her, signior, as well--
HIPOLITO
Not as I do, I hope, sir.
DOYT
No, sir, I'd be loath to have such inward acquaintance with her
as you have.
HIPOLITO
Well, sir, slip, go presently to her, and from me deliver to her
own white hands Fontinell's picture.
DOYT
Indeed, sir, she loves to have her chamber hung with the pictures
of men.
HIPOLITO
She does. I'll keep my sister's eyes and his painted face asunder.
Tell her besides, the masque holds and this the night, and nine
the hour. Say we are all for her; away.
DOYT
And she's for you all, were you an army.
Exeunt.
[II.ii. A room in Imperia's house]
Enter Imperia the courtesan, two maids Trivia and Simperina, with perfumes.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie, fie, by the light oath of my fan, the weather is
exceeding tedious and faint. Trivia, Simperina, stir, stir, stir;
one of you open the casements, t'other take a ventoy and gently
cool my face. Fie, I ha' such an exceeding high colour, I so
sweat. Simperina, dost hear? Prithee be more compendious. Why,
Simperina!
SIMPERINA
Here, madame.
IMPERIA
Press down my ruff before. Away; fie, how thou blow'st upon me.
Thy breath, God's me, thy breath! Fie, fie, fie, fie, it takes
off all the painting and colour from my cheek. In good faith,
I care not if I go and be sick presently. Heigh ho, my head so
aches with carrying this bodkin; in troth, I'll try if I can be
sick.
TRIVIA
Nay, good sweet lady.
SIMPERINA
You know a company of gallants will be here at night; be not out
of temper, sweet mistress.
IMPERIA
In good troth, if I be not sick I must be melancholy then. This
same gown never comes on but I am so melancholy, and so sun-burnt:
'tis a strange garment. I warrant, Simperina, the foolish tailor
that made it was troubled with the stitch when he composed it.
SIMPERINA
That's very likely, madame, but it makes you have, oh, a most
incony body.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, no, by Saint Mark, the waist is not long enough, for
I love a long and tedious waist. Besides, I have a most ungodly
middle in it, and fie, fie, fie, fie, it makes me bend i' th'
back. Oh, let me have some music.
Music.
SIMPERINA
That's not the fault in your gown, madame, but of your body.
IMPERIA
Fa la la, fa la la--indeed, the bending of the back is the fault
of the body--la la la la, fa la la, fa la la, la la lah.
TRIVIA
0 rich!
SIMPERINA
0 rare!
IMPERIA
No, no, no, no, no; 'tis slight and common all that I do. Prithee,
Simperina, do not ingle me; do not flatter me, Trivia. I ha'
never a cast gown till the next week. Fa la la, la la la, fa
la la, fa la la, etc. This stirring to and fro has done me much
good. A song, I prithee; I love these French movings. Oh, they
are so clean; if you tread them true, you shall hit them to a
hair. Sing, sing, sing some odd and fantastical thing, for I
cannot abide these dull and lumpish tunes. The musician stands
longer a-pricking them than I would do to hear them. No, no,
no, give me your light ones that go nimbly and quick, and are
full of changes and carry sweet division. Ho, prithee sing.
Stay, stay, stay; here's Hipolito's sonnet. First read it and
then sing it.
Reads. Song.
One knocks within, Frisco answers within.
FRISCO
[Within] Who the pox knocks?
DOYT
[Within] One that will knock thy coxcomb if he do not
enter.
FRISCO
[Within] If thou dost not enter, how canst thou knock
me?
DOYT
[Within] Why then I'll knock thee when I do enter.
FRISCO
[Within] Why then thou shalt not enter, but instead of
me knock thy heels.
DOYT
[Within] Frisco, I am Doyt, Hipolito's page.
FRISCO
[Within] And I am Frisco, squire to a bawdy house.
DOYT
[Within] I have a jewel to deliver to thy mistress.
FRISCO
[Within] Is't set with precious stones?
DOYT
[Within] Thick, thick, thick.
Enter Doyt with the picture, and Frisco.
FRISCO
Why, enter then, thick, thick, thick.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie; who makes that yawling at door?
FRISCO
Here's Signior Hipolito's man (that shall be) come to hang you.
IMPERIA
Trivia, strip that villain; Simperina, pinch him, slit his wide
nose. Fie, fie, fie, I'll have you gelded for this lustiness.
FRISCO
And she threatens to geld me unless I be lusty, what shall poor
Frisco do?
IMPERIA
Hang me.
FRISCO
Not I; hang me if you will, and set up my quarters too.
IMPERIA
Hipolito's boy come to hang me?
DOYT
To hang you with jewels, sweet and gentle; that's Frisco's meaning,
and that's my coming.
IMPERIA
Keep the door.
FRISCO
That's my office indeed. I have been your doorkeeper for so long,
that all the hinges, the spring-locks and the ring are worn to
pieces. How if anybody knock at the door?
IMPERIA
Let them enter.
[Exit Frisco.]
Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, his great tongue does so run through my little ears; 'tis more harsh than a younger brother's courting of a gentlewoman, when he has no crowns. Boy?
DOYT
At your service.
IMPERIA
My service? Alas, alas, thou canst do me small service. Did thy
master send this painted gentleman to me?
DOYT
This painted gentleman to you.
IMPERIA
Well, I will hang his picture up by the walls till I see his face,
and when I see his face, I'll take his picture down. Hold it,
Trivia.
TRIVIA
It's most sweetly made.
IMPERIA
Hang him up, Simperina.
SIMPERINA
It's a most sweet man.
IMPERIA
And does the masque hold? [To Simperina] Let me see it
again.
DOYT
If their vizards hold, here you shall see all their blind cheeks;
this is the night, nine the hour, and I the jack that gives warning.
SIMPERINA
He gives warning, mistress; shall I let him out?
DOYT
You shall not need; I can set out myself.
Exit.
IMPERIA
Flaxen hair, and short too; oh, that's the French cut. But fie,
fie, fie, [these] flaxen-hair'd men are such pulers, and such
piddlers, and such chicken-hearts--and yet great quarrellers--that
when they court a lady, they are for the better part bound to
the peace. No, no, no, no, your black-haired man, so he be fair,
is your only sweet man, and in any service, the most active.
A banquet, Trivia; quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
TRIVIA
In a twinkling. [Aside] 'Slid, my mistress cries like
the rod-woman: "Quick, quick, quick, buy any rosemary and
bays?"
Exit.
IMPERIA
A little face, but a lovely face; fie, fie, fie, no matter what
face he make, so the other parts be legitimate and go upright.
Stir, stir, Simperina. Be doing, be doing, quickly; move, move,
move.
SIMPERINA
Most incontinently. [Aside] Move, move, move. 0 sweet!
Exit.
IMPERIA
Heigh ho! As I live, I must love thee and suck kisses from thy
lips; alack, that women should fall thus deeply in love with dumb
things that have no feeling. But they are women's crosses, and
the only way to take them is to take them patiently.
Enter Frisco, Trivia and Simperina.
Heigh ho! Set music, Frisco.
FRISCO
Music, if thou hast not a hard heart, speak to my mistress.
[Music.]
IMPERIA
Say he scorn to marry me, yet he shall stand me in some stead
by being my Ganymede. If he be the most decayed gallant in all
Venice, I will myself undo myself and my whole state to set him
up again. Though speaking truth would save my life, I will lie
to do him pleasure; yet to tell lies may hurt the soul. Fie,
no, no, no; souls are things to be trodden under our feet, when
we dance after love's pipe. Therefore, here, hang this counterfeit
at my bed's feet.
FRISCO
If he be counterfeit, nail him up upon one of your posts.
[Exit with picture.]
IMPERIA
By the moist hand of love, I swear I will be his lottery, and
he shall never draw but it shall be a prize.
Curvetto knock within.
FRISCO
[Within] Who knocks?
CURVETTO
[Within] Why, 'tis I, knave.
FRISCO
[Within] Then, knave,
knock there still.
CURVETTO
[Within] Wut open door?
FRISCO
[Within] Yes, when I list I will.
CURVETTO
[Within] Here's money.
FRISCO
[Within] Much!
CURVETTO
[Within] Here's gold.
FRISCO
[Within]
Away!
CURVETTO
[Within] Knave, open!
FRISCO
[Within] Call to our maids, "Good night": we
are all a-slopen.
[Enter.]
Mistress, if you have ever a pinnace to set out, you may now have it mann'd and rigg'd, for Signior Curvetto, he that cries, "I am an old courtier, but lie close, lie close," when our maids swear he lies as wide as any courtier in Italy--
IMPERIA
Do we care how he lies?
Knocking.
FRISCO
Anon, anon, anon. This old hoary red deer serves himself in at
your keyhole.
CURVETTO
[Within] What, Frisco?
FRISCO
Hark, shall he enter the breach?
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie. I wonder what this gurnet's head makes here.
Yet bring him in; he will serve for picking meat. [Exit Frisco.]
Let music play, for I will feign myself to be asleep.
Enter [Frisco with] Curvetto.
CURVETTO
Three pence, and here's a teston. Yet take all;
Coming to jump we must be prodigal.
Hem!
I am an old courtier, and I can lie close;
Put up, Frisco, put up, put up, put up.
FRISCO
Anything at your hands, sir, I will put up, because you seldom
pull out anything.
SIMPERINA
Softly, sweet Signior Curvetto, for she's fast.
CURVETTO
Ha, fast? My roba fast? and but young night?
She's wearied, wearied; ah ha, hit I right?
SIMPERINA
How, sir, wearied? Marry, foh!
FRISCO
Wearied, sir? Marry muff!
CURVETTO
No words? Here, mouse, no words, no words? Sweet rose,
I am an hoary courtier, and lie close, lie close.
Hem!
FRISCO
An old hoary courtier? Why, so has a jowl of ling and a musty
whiting been, time out of mind. Methinks, signior, you should
not be so old by your face.
CURVETTO
I have a good heart, knave, and a good heart
Is a good face-maker. I am young, quick, brisk.
I was a reveller in a long stock;
There's not a gallant now fills such a stock:
Plump hose, pan'd, stuff'd with hair (hair then was held
The lightest stuffing); a fair codpiece, hoh;
An eel-skin sleeve, lash'd here and there with lace;
High collar, lash'd again; breech lash'd also;
A little simp'ring ruff; a dapper cloak
With Spanish-button'd cape; my rapier here,
Gloves like a burgomaster here, hat here,
Stuck with some ten-groat brooch; and over all
A goodly, long, thick, Abram-color'd beard.
Ho God, ho God! thus did I revel it,
When Monsieur Motte lay here ambassador.
But now those beards are gone, our chins are bare;
Our courters now do all against the hair.
I can lie close and see this, but not see;
I am hoary, but not hoary as some be.
IMPERIA
Heigh ho! Who's that? Signior Curvetto? By my virginity--
CURVETTO
Hem, no more.
Swear not so deep at these years: men have eyes,
And though the most are fools, some fools are wise.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie; and you meet me thus at half-weapon, one must down.
FRISCO
[Aside] She for my life.
IMPERIA
Somebody shall pay for't.
FRISCO
[Aside] He for my head.
IMPERIA
Do not therefore come over me so with cross blows. No, no, no,
I shall be sick if my speech be stopp'd. By my virginity I swear--
and why may not I swear by that I have not, as well as poor musty
soldiers do by their honour, brides and four and twenty (ha, ha,
ha!) by their maidenheads, citizens by their faith, and brokers
as they hope to be saved?--by my virginity I swear, I dream'd
that one brought me a goodly codshead, and in one of the eyes
there stuck, methought, the greatest precious stone, the most
sparkling diamond. Oh fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, that diamonds
should make women such fools.
CURVETTO
A codshead and a diamond? Ha, ha, ha!
'Tis common, common; you may dream as well
Of diamonds and of codsheads, where's not one,
As swear by your virginity, where's none.
[Aside] I am that codshead; she has spied my stone,
My diamond. Noble wench, but nobler hose.
Puts it up.
I am an old courtier, and lie close, lie close.
The cornets sound a lavolta which the maskers are to dance. Camillo, Hipolito, and other gallants, everyone save Hipolito with a lady, mask'd, zanies with [torches] enter suddenly. Curvetto offers to depart.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, if you shrink from me I will not love you; stay.
CURVETTO
I am conjur'd, and will keep my circle.
They dance.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie, by the neat tongue of eloquence, this measure is
out of measure; 'tis too hot, too hot. Gallants, be not ashamed
to show your own faces. Ladies, unapparel your dear beauties.
So, so, so, so, here is a banquet; sit, sit, sit. Signior Curvetto,
thrust in among them. Soft music there! do, do, do.
CURVETTO
I will first salute the men, close with the women, and last sit.
HIPOLITO
But not sit last: a banquet! and have these suckets here! Oh,
I have a crew of angels prisoners in my pocket, and none but a
good bale of dice can fetch them out. Dice, ho! Come, my little
lecherous baboon; by Saint Mark, you shall venture your twenty
crowns.
CURVETTO
And have but one.
HIPOLITO
I swore first.
CURVETTO
Right, you swore,
[Aside] But oaths are now like Blurt our constable,
Standing for nothing, a mere plot, a trick.
The masque dogg'd me; I hit it in the nick:
A fetch to get my diamond, my dear stone.
I am a hoary courtier, but lie close, close, close.
[To Hipolito] I'll play, sir.
HIPOLITO
Come.
CURVETTO
But in my t'other
hose.
Exit.
OMNES
Curvetto?
HIPOLITO
Let him go. I knew what hook would choke him, and therefore baited
that for him to nibble upon; an old coxcomb rascal that was beaten
out a' th' cock-pit, when I could not stand a' high lone without
I held by a thing, to come crowing among us. Hang him, lobster!
Come, the same oath that your foreman took, take all, and sing.
Song.
[Enter Lazarillo.]
LAZARILLO
Mars armipotent with his court of guard, give sharpness to my
toledo; I am beleaguer'd! 0 Cupid grant that my blushing prove
not a linstock, and give fire too suddenly to the Roaring Meg
of my desires! Most sanguine-cheek'd ladies!
HIPOLITO
'Sfoot, how now, Don Dego? Sanguine-cheek'd? Dost think their
faces have been at cutler's? Out, you roaring tawny-fac'd rascal!
'Twere a good deed to beat my hilts about's coxcomb, and then
make him sanguine-cheek'd too.
CAMILLO
Nay, good Hipolito.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie; tho' I hate his company, I would not
have my house to abuse his countenance. No, no, no, be not so
contagious; I will send him hence with a flea in's ear.
HIPOLITO
Do, or I'll turn him into a flea and make him skip under some
of your petticoats.
IMPERIA
Signior Lazarillo.
LAZARILLO
Most sweet face, you need not hang out your silken tongue as a
flag of truce, for I will drop at your feet ere I draw blood in
your chamber; yet I shall hardly drink up this wrong. For your
sake, I will wipe it out for this time. I would deal with you
in secret, so you had a void room, about most deep and serious
matters.
IMPERIA
I'll send these hence. [Aside] Fie, fie, fie, I am so
chok'd still with this man of gingerbread, and yet I can never
be rid of him. But hark, Hipolito. [Whispers to Hipolito]
HIPOLITO
Good; draw the curtains, put out candles, and girls, to bed.
LAZARILLO
Venus, give me suck from thine own most white and tender dugs
that I may batten in love. Dear instrument of many men's delight,
are all these women?
IMPERIA
No, no, no; they are half men and half women.
LAZARILLO
You apprehend too fast. I mean by women, wives, for wives are
no maids, nor are maids women. If those unbearded gallants keep
the doors of their wedlock, those ladies spend their hours of
pastime but ill, O most rich armful of beauty! But if you can
bring all those females into one ring, into one private place,
I will read a lecture of discipline to their most great and honourable
ears, wherein I will teach them so to carry their white bodies,
either before their husbands or before their lovers, that they
shall never fear to have milk thrown in their faces, nor I wine
in mine, when I come to sit upon them in courtesy.
IMPERIA
That were excellent; I'll have them all here at your pleasure.
LAZARILLO
I will show them all the tricks and garbs of Spanish dames; I
will study for apt and elegant phrase to tickle them with. And
when my devise is ready, I will come. Will you inspire into your
most divine spirits the most divine soul of tobacco?
IMPERIA
No, no, no; fie, fie, fie. I should be chok'd up if your pipe
should kiss my underlip.
LAZARILLO
Henceforth, most deep stamp of feminine perfection, my pipe shall
not be drawn before you, but in secret.
Enter Hipolito and the rest of the masquers, as before, dancing. Hipolito takes Imperia. Exeunt [all but Lazarillo].
LAZARILLO
Lament my case; since thou canst not provoke
Her nose to smell, love fill thine own with smoke.
Exit.
[III.i. A street before Hipolito's house]
Enter Hipolito and Frisco.
FRISCO
The wooden picture you sent her hath set her on fire, and she
desires you, as you pity the case of a poor desperate gentlewoman,
to serve that monsieur in at supper to her.
Enter Camillo.
HIPOLITO
The Frenchman! Saint Dennis, let her carve him up! Stay, here's
Camillo. Now, my fool in fashion, my sage idiot, up with these
brims, down with this devil Melancholy. Are you decayed, concupiscentious
inamorato? News, news: Imperia dotes on Fontinell.
CAMILLO
What comfort speaks her love to my sick heart?
HIPOLITO
Marry, this, sir. Here's a yellow-hammer flew to me with thy
water; and I cast it and find that his mistress, being given to
this new falling-sickness, will cure thee. The Frenchman, you
see, has a soft marmalady heart, and shall no sooner feel Imperia's
liquorish desire to lick at him, but straight he'll stick the
brooch of her longing in it. Then sir, may you, sir, come upon
my sister, sir, with a fresh charge, sir. Sa, sa, sa, sa; once
giving back, and thrice coming forward, she yield and the town
of Brest is taken.
CAMILLO
This hath some taste of hope. Is that the Mercury
Who brings you notice of his mistress' love?
FRISCO
I may be her Mercury for my running of errands; but troth, sir,
I am Cerebrus, for I am porter to hell.
CAMILLO
Then, Cerebrus, play thy part; here, search that hell,
There find and bring forth that false Fontinell.
Exit Frisco.
If I can win his stray'd thoughts to retire
From her encountered eyes, whom I have singled
In Hymen's holy battle, he shall pass
From hence to France, in company and guard
Of mine own heart. He comes, Hipolito.
Enter Fontinell talking with Frisco.
Still looks he like a lover, poor gentleman.
Love is the mind's strong physic and the pill
That leaves the heart sick and o'erturns the will.
FONTINELL
0 happy persecution, I embrace thee
With an unfettered soul. So sweet a thing
Is it to sigh upon the rack of love,
Where each calamity is groaning witness
Of the poor martyr's faith. I never heard
Of any true affection but 'twas nipp'd
With care, that like the caterpillar eats
The leaves off the spring's sweetest book, the rose.
"Love bred on earth is often nurs'd in hell;
By rote it reads woe, ere it learn to spell."
CAMILLO
Good morrow, French lord.
HIPOLITO
Bon jour, Monsieur.
FONTINELL
To your secure and more than happy self
I tender thanks, for you have honour'd me;
You are my jailor and have penn'd me up,
Lest the poor fly your prisoner should alight
Upon your mistress' lip, and thence derive
The dimpled print of an infective touch.
Thou secure tyrant, yet unhappy lover,
Couldst thou chain mountains to my captive feet,
Yet Violetta's heart and mine should meet.
HIPOLITO
Hark, swaggerer, there's a little dapple-colour'd rascal, ho,
a bona roba. Her name's Imperia, a gentlewoman, by my faith,
of an ancient house, and has goodly rents and comings in of her
own; and this ape would fain have thee chain'd to her in the holy
state. Sirrah, she's fall'n in love with thy picture; yes, faith.
To her, woo her, and win her. Leave my sister and thy ransom's
paid, all's paid, gentlemen. By th' Lord, Imperia is as good
a girl as any is in Venice.
CAMILLO
Upon mine honour, Fontinell, 'tis true;
The lady dotes on thy perfections.
Therefore resign my Violetta's heart
To me, the lord of it, and I will send thee--
FONTINELL
0 whither, to damnation? Wilt thou not?
Think'st thou the purity of my true soul
Can taste your leperous counsel? No, I defy you.
Incestancy dwell on his rivelled brow
That weds for dirt, or on th'enforced heart,
That lags in rearward of his father's charge
When to some negro-gelderling he's clogg'd
By the injunction of a golden fee.
When I call back my vows to Violetta,
May I then slip into an obscure grave,
Whose mould, unpress'd with stony monument,
Dwelling in open air, may drink the tears
Of the inconstant clouds to rot me soon
Out of my private linen sepulchre.
CAMILLO
Ay, is this your settled resolution?
FONTINELL
By my love's best divinity, it is.
CAMILLO
Then bear him to his prison back again;
This tune must alter ere thy lodging mend.
To death, fond Frenchman, thy slight love doth tend.
FONTINELL
Then, constant heart, thy fate with joy pursue;
Draw wonder to thy death, expiring true.
Exit.
HIPOLITO
After him, Frisco; enforce thy mistress's passion. Thou shalt
have access to him to bring him love tokens. If they prevail
not, yet thou shalt still be in presence, be't but to spite him.
In, honest Frisco.
FRISCO
I'll vex him to the heart, sir, fear me not;
[Aside] Yet here's a trick perchance may set him free.
Exit.
HIPOLITO
Come, wilt thou go laugh and lie down? Now sure there be some
rebels in thy belly, for thine eyes do nothing but watch and ward,
tho' 'ast not slept these three nights.
CAMILLO
Alas, how can I? He that truly loves
Burns out the day in idle fantasies;
And when the lamb bleating doth bid good night
Unto the closing day, then tears begin
To keep quick time unto the owl, whose voice
Shrieks like the bellman in the lover's ears.
Love's eye the jewel of sleep, oh, seldom wears!
The early lark is wakened from her bed,
Being only by love's plaints disquieted,
And singing in the morning's ease, she weeps,
Being deep in love, at lovers' broken sleeps.
But say a golden slumber chance to tie
With silken strings the cover of love's eye;
Then dreams, magician-like, mocking present
Pleasures, whose fading leaves more discontent.
Have you these golden charms?
Enter musicians.
OMNES
We have, my lord.
CAMILLO
Bestow them sweetly; think a lover's heart
Dwells in each instrument, and let it melt
In weeping strains. Yonder direct your faces,
That the soft summons of a frightless parley
May creep into the casement; so, begin.
Music, speak movingly; assume my part,
For thou must now plead to a stony heart.
Song.
Violetta above.
VIOLETTA
Who owes this salutation?
CAMILLO
Thy Camillo.
VIOLETTA
Is not your shadow there too, my sweet brother?
HIPOLITO
Here, sweet sister.
VIOLETTA
I dreamt so. 0, I am much bound to you,
For you, my lord, have us'd my love with honour.
CAMILLO
Ever with honour.
VIOLETTA
Indeed, indeed, you have.
HIPOLITO
'Slight, she means her French garsoon.
VIOLETTA
The same. Good night; trust me, 'tis somewhat late,
And this bleak wind nips dead all idle prate.
I must to bed, good night.
CAMILLO
The god of rest
Play music to thine eyes, whilst on my breast
The Furies sit and beat, and keep care waking.
HIPOLITO
You will not leave my friend in this poor taking.
VIOLETTA
Yes, by the velvet brow of darkness.
HIPOLITO
You scurvy tit; 'sfoot, scurvy anything! Do you hear, Susanna?
You punk, if I geld not your muskcat! I'll do't, by Jesu! Let's
go, Camillo.
VIOLETTA
Nay, but, pure swaggerer, ruffian, do you think
To fright me with your bugbear threats? Go by!
Hark, tosspot, in your ear: the Frenchman's mine,
And by these hands I'll have him.
HIPOLITO
Rare rogue!
Fine!
VIOLETTA
He is my prisoner, by a deed of gift;
Therefore, Camillo, you have wrong'd me much
To wrong my prisoner. By my troth, I love him
The rather for the baseness he endures
For my unworthy self. I'll tell you what:
Release him, let him plead your love for you.
I love a' life to hear a man speak French
Of his complexion; I would undergo
The instruction of that language rather far
Than be two weeks unmarried, by my life.
Because I'll speak true French, I'll be his wife.
CAMILLO
0, scorn to my chaste love! Burst heart!
HIPOLITO
'Swounds,
hold!
CAMILLO
Come, gentle friends, tie your most solemn tunes
By silver strings unto a leaden pace.
False fair, enjoy thy base-belov'd; adieu.
He's far less noble, and shall prove less true.
Exeunt [all but Violetta]. Enter Truepenny above with a letter.
TRUEPENNY
Lady, Imperia the courtesan's zany hath brought you this letter
from the poor gentleman in the deep dungeon, but would not stay
till he had an answer.
VIOLETTA
Her groom employed by Fontinell? 0, strange!
I wonder how he got access to him.
I'll read, and reading, my poor heart shall ache:
"True love is jealous; fears the best love shake."
[Reading] "Meet me at the end of the old chapel, next
Saint Lorenzo's monastery; furnish your company with a friar,
that there he may consummate our holy vows. Till midnight, farewell.
Thine Fontinell."
Hath he got opportunity to 'scape?
0 happy period of our separation!
Blest night, wrap Cynthia in a sable sheet,
That fearful lovers may securely meet!
[Exeunt.]
Enter Frisco in Fontinell's apparel, Fontinell making himself ready in Frisco's. They enter suddenly and in fear.
FRISCO
Play you my part bravely; you must look like a slave, and you
shall see I'll counterfeit a Frenchman most knavishly. My mistress,
for your sake, charg'd me on her blessing to fall to these shifts.
I left her at cards; she'll sit up till you come because she'll
have you play a game at noddy. You'll to her presently?
FONTINELL
I will, upon mine honour.
FRISCO
I think she does not greatly care whether you fall to her upon
your honour or no. So, all's fit; tell my lady that I go in a
suit of durance for her sake. That's your way, and this pithole's
mine. If I can 'scape hence, why so; if not, he that's hang'd
is nearer to heaven by half a score steps than he that dies in
a bed, and so adieu, monsieur.
Exit.
FONTINELL
Farewell, dear trusty slave. Shall I profane
This temple with an idol of strange love?
When I do so, let me dissolve in fire.
Yet one day will I see this dame, whose heart
Takes off my misery. I'll not be so rude
To pay her kindness with ingratitude.
Enter Violetta and a friar apace.
VIOLETTA
My dearest Fontinell!
FONTINELL
My Violetta!
Oh God!
VIOLETTA
Oh God!
FONTINELL
Where is this reverend friar?
FRIAR
Here, overjoy'd, young man.
VIOLETTA
How didst thou 'scape?
How came Imperia's man?
FONTINELL
No more of that.
VIOLETTA
When did Imperia--
FONTINELL
Questions now are thieves,
And lies in ambush to surprise our joys.
My most happy stars shine still, shine on.
Away, come; love beset had need be gone.
[Exeunt.]
[III.iii. A room in Imperia's house]
Enter Curvetto and Simperina.
CURVETTO
I must not stay, thou sayst?
SIMPERINA
Gods me, away!
CURVETTO
Buss, buss again. Here's sixpence; buss again.
Farewell, I must not stay then.
SIMPERINA
Foh.
CURVETTO
Farewell.
At ten a' clock thou sayst, and ring a bell
Which thou wilt hang out at this window?
SIMPERINA
Lord,
She'll hear this fiddling.
CURVETTO
No, close, on my word.
Farewell; just ten a' clock, I shall come in.
Remember to let down the cord. Just ten
Thou'lt open, mouse? Pray God thou dost; Amen! Amen! Amen!
I am an old courtier, wench, but I can spy
A young duck. Close, mum. Ten. Close, 'tis not I.
Exit Curvetto.
SIMPERINA
Mistress! Sweet ladies!
Enter Imperia and [courtesans], with tablebooks.
IMPERIA
Is his old rotten aqua-vitae bottle stopp'd up? Is he gone?
Fie, fie, fie, fie, he so smells of ale and onions and rosa-solis,
fie. Bolt the door, stop the keyhole, lest his breath peep in;
burn some perfume. I do not love to handle these dry'd stockfishes
that ask so much tawing, fie, fie, fie.
FIRST COURTESAN
Nor I, trust me, lady. Fie!
IMPERIA
No, no, no, no; stools and cushions, low stools, low stools.
Sit, sit, sit round, ladies, round. So, so, so, so, let your
sweet beauties be spread to the full and most moving advantage,
for we are fall'n into his hands, who they say has an ABC for
the sticking in of the least white pin in any part of the body.
SECOND COURTESAN
Madame Imperia, what stuff is he like to draw out before us?
IMPERIA
Nay, nay, nay, 'tis Greek to me, 'tis Greek to me. I never had
remnant of his Spanish-leather learning. Here he comes; your
cares may now fit themselves out of the whole piece.
Enter [Lazarillo].
LAZARILLO
I do first deliver to your most skreet and long-finger'd hands
this head, or top of all the members, bare and uncomb'd, to show
how deeply I stand in reverence of your naked female beauties.
Bright and unclipp'd angels, if I were to make a discovery of
any new-found land, as Virginia or so, to ladies and courtiers,
my speech should hoist up sails fit to bear up such lofty and
well-rigged vessels; but because I am to deal only with the civil
chitty matron, I will not lay upon your blushing and delicate
cheek any other colours than such as will give luster to your
chitty faces. In and to that purpose, our thesis is taken out
of that most plentiful but most precious book, entitled the Economical
Cornucopia.
FIRST COURTESAN
The what?
LAZARILLO
The Economical Cornucopia. Thus,
"Wise is that wife who with apt wit complains
That she's kept under, yet rules all the reins."
FIRST COURTESAN
Oh, again, sweet Signior. "Complains
That she's kept under?" What follows?
LAZARILLO
"Yet rules all the reins."
"Wise is that wife who with apt wit complains
That she's kept under, yet rules all the reins."
Most pure and refined plants of nature, I will not, as this distinction
enticeth, take up the parts as they lie here in order: as first,
to touch your wisdom, it were folly; next, your complaining, 'tis
too common; thirdly, your keeping under, 'tis above my capachity;
and lastly, the reins in your own hands, that is the a-per-se
of all, the very cream of all, and therefore how to skim off that
only, only listen: a wife wise, no matter; apt wit, no matter;
complaining, no matter; kept under, no great matter; but to rule
the roast, is the matter.
THIRD COURTESAN
That ruling of the roast goes with me.
FOURTH COURTESAN
And me.
FIFTH COURTESAN
And me; I'll have a cut of that roast.
LAZARILLO
Since then a woman's only desire is to have the reins in her own
white hand, your chief practice, the very same day that you are
wived, must be to get hold of these reins, and being fully gotten,
or wound about, "yet to complain with apt wit as tho' you
had them not."
IMPERIA
How shall we know, signior, when we have them all or not?
LAZARILLO
I will furnish your capable understandings, out of my poor Spanish
store, with the chief implements and their appurtenances. Observe:
it shall be your first and finest praise to sing the note of every
new fashion at first sight, and if you can, to stretch that note
above ela.
OMNES
Good.
LAZARILLO
The more you pinch your servants' bellies for this, the smoother
will the fashion sit on your back; but if your goodman like not
this music, as being too full of crochets, your only way is to
learn to play upon the virginals, and so nail his ears to your
sweet humours. If this be out of time too, yet your labour will
quit the cost, for by this means your secret friend may have free
and open access to you under the colour of pricking you lessons.
Now, because you may tie your husband's love in most sweet knots,
you shall never give over labouring, till out of his purse you
have digged a garden; and that garden must stand a pretty distance
from the chitty, for by repairing thither, much good fruit may
be grafted.
FIRST COURTESAN
Mark that.
LAZARILLO
Then, in the afternoon, when you address your sweet perfum'd body
to walk to this garden, there to gather a nosegay, sops-in-wine,
cowslips, columbines, heart's-ease, etc., the first principle
to learn is that you stick black patches for the rheum on your
delicate blue temples, tho' there be no room for the rheum. Black
patches are comely in most women, and being well-fastened, draw
men's eyes to shoot glances at you. Next, your ruff must stand
in print, and for that purpose, get poking-sticks with fair and
long handles, lest they scorch your lily sweating hands. Then
your hat with a little brim, if you have a little face; if otherwise,
otherwise. Besides, you must play the wag with your wanton fan;
have your dog (call'd Pearl or Min or Why ask you, or any other
pretty name) dance along by you; your embroidered muff before
you on your ravishing hands, but take heed who thrusts his fingers
into your fur.
SECOND COURTESAN
We'll watch for that.
LAZARILLO
Once a quarter, take state upon you and be chick; being chick,
thus politicly, lie at your garden. Your lip-sworn servant may
there visit you as a physician; where otherwise, if you languish
at home, be sure your husband will look to your water. This chickness
may be increas'd with giving out that you breed young bones, and
to stick flesh upon those bones, it shall not be amiss if you
long for peascods, at ten groats the cod, and for cherries at
a crown the cherry.
FIRST COURTESAN
O dear tutor!
SECOND COURTESAN
Interrupt him not.
LAZARILLO
If, while this pleasing fit of chickness hold you, you be invited
forth to supper, whimper and seem unwilling to go; but if your
goodman, bestowing the sweet duck and kiss upon your moist lip,
entreat, go. Marry, my counsel is, you eat little at table, because
it may be said of you you are no cormorant; yet at your coming
home you may counterfeit a qualm, and so devour a posset. Your
husband need not have his nose in that posset; no, trust your
chambermaid only in this, and scarcely her, for you cannot be
too careful into whose hands you commit your secrets.
OMNES
That's certain.
LAZARILLO
If you have daughters capable, marry them by no means to chittizens,
but choose for them some smooth-chinned, curl'd-headed gentleman,
for gentlemen will lift up your daughters to their own content;
and to make these curl'd-pated gallants come off the more roundly,
make your husband go to the herald for arms, and let it be your
daily care that he have a fair and comely crest. Yea, go all
the ways yourselves you can to be made ladies, especially if,
without danger to his person, or for love or money, you can procure
your husband to be dubbed. The goddess of memory lock up these
jewels, which I have bestowed upon you, in your sweet brains;
let these be the rules to square out your life by, tho' you ne'er
go level, but tread your shoes awry. If you can get these reins
into your lily hand, you shall need no coaches but may drive your
husband's. Put it down, and according to that wise saying of
you, be saints in the church, angels in the street, devils in
the kitchen, and apes in your bed. Upon which, leaving you tumbling,
pardon me that thus abruptly and openly I take you all up.
FIRST COURTESAN
You have got so far into our books, signior, that you cannot 'scape
without a pardon here, if you take us up never so snappishly.
IMPERIA
Music there to close our stomachs. How do you like him, madonna?
SECOND COURTESAN
0, trust me, I like him most profoundly. Why, he's able to put
down twenty such as I am.
THIRD COURTESAN
Let them build upon that. Nay, more, we'll henceforth never go
to a cunning woman, since men can teach us our lerry.
FOURTH COURTESAN
We are all fools to him, and our husbands, if we can hold these
reins fast, shall be fools to us.
FIFTH COURTESAN
If we can keep but this bias, wenches, our goodmen may perchance
once in a month get a foregame of us; but if they win a rubbers,
let them throw their caps at it.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, dear features, hold their noses to the grindstone
and they're gone. Thanks, worthy signior. Fie, fie, fie, you
stand bare too long. Come, bright mirrors, will you withdraw
into a gallery and taste a slight banquet?
FIRST COURTESAN
We shall cloy ourselves with sweets, my sweet madonna.
SECOND COURTESAN
Troth, I will not, Madonna Imperia.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, fie, fie, fie! Signior Lazarillo; either be you our
foreman, or else put in these ladies at your discretion into the
gallery and cut off this striving.
LAZARILLO
It shall be my office, my fees being, as they pass, to take toll
of their alablaster hands.
Exeunt [courtesans]. Imperia stays[, along with Simperina].
Admired creature, I summon you to a parley; you remember this is the night?
IMPERIA
So, so, so, I do remember. Here is a key, that is your chamber.
Lights, Simperina. About twelve a' clock you shall take my beauty
prisoner. Fie, fie, fie, how I blush. At twelve a' clock.
LAZARILLO
Rich argosy of all golden pleasure!
IMPERIA
No, no, no, put up, put up your joys till anon; I will come, by
my virginity. But I must tell you one thing, that all my chambers
are many nights haunted, with what sprites none can see; but sometimes
we hear birds singing, sometimes music playing, sometimes voices
laughing. But stir not you, nor be frighted at anything.
LAZARILLO
By Hercules, if any spirits rise, I will conjure them in their
own circles with toledo.
IMPERIA
So, so, so; lights for his chamber. [To Simperina] Is
the trapdoor ready?
SIMPERINA
'Tis set sure.
IMPERIA
So, so, so, I will be rid of this broiled red sprat that stinks
so in my stomach, fih. I hate him worse than to have a tailor
come a-wooing to me. [To Lazarillo] God's me, the sweet
ladies, the banquet, I forget. Fie, fie, follow, dear signior.
[To Simperina] The trapdoor, Simperina.
Exit.
SIMPERINA
Signior, come away.
LAZARILLO
Cupid, I kiss the nock of thy sweet bow!
A woman makes me yield; Mars could not so.
[Exeunt.]
[IV.i. A street before Imperia's house]
Enter Curvetto [with a lantern].
CURVETTO.
Just ten? 'Tis ten just: that's the fixed hour
For payment of my love's due fees; that broke,
I forfeit a huge sum of joys. Ho love!
I'll keep time just to a minute, ay;
A sweet guide's loss is a deep penalty.
A night's so rich a venture to taste wrack,
Would make a lover bankrupt, break his back.
No, if to sit up late, early to rise,
Or if this goldfinch, that with sweet notes flies
And wakes the dull eye even of a puritan,
Can work, then wenches, Curvetto is the man.
I am not young, yet have I youthful tricks,
Which peering day must not see; no, close, close,
Old courtier, perilous fellow. I can lie,
Hug in your bosom, close, yet none shall spy.
Stay, here's the door, the window; hah, this, this
Cord? Umh? Dear cord, thy blessed knot I kiss;
None peeps I hope. Night clap thy velvet hand
Upon all eyes! If now my friend thou stand,
I'll hang a jewel at thine ear, sweet night;
And here it is: "Lanthorne and Candlelight!";
A peal, a lusty peal, set, ring love's knell;
I'll sweat, but thus I'll bear away the bell.
[Pulls the cord and is drenched with water. Enter] Simperina above.
SIMPERINA
Signior? Who's there? Signior Curvetto?
CURVETTO
Umh! Drown'd? Noah's flood? Duck'd over head and ears?
O sconce! and O sconce! an old soaker, oh!
I sweat now till I drop. What villainies, oh!
Punks, punkateroes, nags, hags, I will ban.
I have catch'd my bane.
SIMPERINA
Who's there?
CURVETTO
A water-man.
SIMPERINA
Who rings that scolding peal?
CURVETTO
I am wringing wet,
I am wash'd; foh, here's rose-water sold by th' ounce.
This sconce shall batter down those windows. Bounce!
SIMPERINA
What do you mean? Why do you beat our doors?
What do you take us for?
CURVETTO
Y'are all damn'd whores!
SIMPERINA
Signior Curvetto?
CURVETTO
Signior coxcomb, no.
SIMPERINA
What makes you be so hot?
CURVETTO
You lie, I am cool;
I am an old courtier, but stinking fool!
Foh!
SIMPERINA
God's my life, what have you done? You are in a sweet pickle if
you pull'd at this rope.
CURVETTO
Hang thyself in't, and I'll pull once again.
SIMPERINA
Merry muff, will you up and ride? Y'are mine elder. By my pure
maidenhead, here's a jest. Why, this was a waterwork to drown
a rat that uses to creep in at this window.
CURVETTO
Fire on your waterworks! Catch a drown'd rat?
That's me, I have it, God a' mercy head!
Rat? Me! I smell a rat, I strike it dead!
SIMPERINA
You smell a sodden sheep's-head. A rat? Ay, a rat! And you
will not believe me, marry, foh! I have been believ'd of your
betters; marry, snick up!
CURVETTO
Simp, nay, sweet Simp. Open again. Why, Simperina?
SIMPERINA
Go from my window, go; go from, etc., away. Go by, old Jeronimo;
nay, and you shrink i' th' wetting. Walk, walk, walk.
CURVETTO
I cry thee mercy, if the bowl were set
To drown a rat. I shrink not, am not wet.
SIMPERINA
A rat by this hemp, and you could ha' smelt. Hark you, here's
the bell; ting, ting, ting. Would the clapper were in my belly,
if I am not mad at your foppery. I could scratch, fie, fie, fie,
fie, fie, as my mistress says; but go, hie you home, shift you.
Come back presently; here you shall find a ladder of cords.
Climb up, I'll receive you. My mistress lies alone; she's yours.
Away!
CURVETTO
0 Simp!
SIMPERINA
Nay, scud, you know what you promis'd me. I shall have simple
yawling for this; be gone and mum.
Clap [the window shut, exit].
CURVETTO
Thanks, mum, dear girl; I am gone. 'Twas for a rat,
A rat upon my life. Thou shalt have gifts;
I love thee, tho' thou puts me to my shifts.
I [knew] I could be overreach'd by none.
A [parlous] head; lie close, lie close, I am gone.
Exit.
[IV.ii. Lazarillo's room in Imperia's house]
Music suddenly plays, and birds sing. Enter Lazarillo bareheaded, in his shirt, a pair of pantaples on, a rapier in his hand and a tobacco pipe; he seems amazed, and walks so up and down.
LAZARILLO
Saint Jaques and the seven deadly sins--that is the Seven Wise
Masters of the world--pardon me for this night! I will kill the
devil.
WITHIN
Ha ha ha!
LAZARILLO
Thou prince of blackamoors, thou shalt have small cause to laugh
if I run thee through. This chamber is haunted; would I had not
been brought a bed in it, or else were well-delivered, for my
heart tells me 'tis no good luck to have anything to do with the
devil, he's a paltry merchant!
A song within.
LAZARILLO
I shall be mous'd by puss-cats, but I had rather die a dog's death;
they have nine lives apiece--like a woman--and they will make
it up ten lives if they and I fall a-scratching. Bright Helena
of this house, would thy Troy were a-fire, for I am a-cold; or
else would I had the Greeks' wooden curtal to ride away! Most
ambrosian-lipp'd creature, come away quickly, for this night's
lodging lies cold at my heart.
The Spanish pavin.
The Spanish pavin! I thought the devil could not understand Spanish, but since thou art my countryman, 0 thou tawny [Satan], I will dance after thy pipe.
He dances the Spanish pavin.
Ho, sweet devil, ho! Thou wilt make any man weary of thee, tho'
he deal with thee in his shirt.
Sweet beauty, she'll not come. I'll fall to sleep,
And dream of her; love-dreams are ne'er too deep.
Falls down [through a trapdoor. Enter] Frisco above, laughing.
FRISCO
Ha, ha, ha!
LAZARILLO
Ho, ho, Frisco! Madonna! I am in hell, but here is not fire;
hellfire is all put out. What ho? so, ho, ho? I shall be drown'd.
I beseech thee, dear Frisco, raise Blurt the constable, or some
scavenger, to come and make clean these kennels of hell, for they
stink so, that I shall cast away my precious self.
[Enter Imperia.]
IMPERIA
Is he down, Frisco?
FRISCO
He's down; he cries out he's in hell. It's heaven to me to have
him cry so.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie; let him lie, and get all to bed.
Exit.
FRISCO
Not all; I have fatting knavery in hand.
He cries he's damn'd in hell; the next shall cry
He's climbing up to heaven, and here's the gin:
One woodcock's ta'en; I'll have his brother in.
Exit.
[IV.iii. A street before Imperia's house, a rope ladder hanging
from the window]
Enter Curvetto.
CURVETTO
Brisk as a cap'ring tailor! I was wash'd,
But did they shave me? No, I am too wise.
Lie close i' th' bosom of their knaveries;
I am an old hoary courtier, and strike dead.
I hit my marks; 'ware, 'ware, a perilous head.
Cast: I must find a ladder made of ropes.
Enter Blurt and watch.
Ladder and rope; what follow? Hanging. Ay,
But where? Ah ha, there does the riddle lie!
I have 'scap'd drowning, but, but, but I hope
I shall not 'scape the ladder and the rope.
WOODCOCK
Yonder's a light, master constable.
BLURT
Peace, Woodcock, the sconce approaches.
CURVETTO
Whew!
BLURT
Ay, whistling? Slubber, jog the watch and give the lanthorn a
slap.
CURVETTO
Whew, Simp, Simp?
[Enter Frisco above.]
FRISCO
Who's there?
CURVETTO
Who's there?
FRISCO
Signior Curvetto, here's the ladder. I watch to do you a good
turn. I am Frisco. Is not Blurt abroad and his bill-men?
CURVETTO
No matter if they be; I hear none nigh.
I will snug close; out goes my candle's eye.
My sconce takes this in snuff; all's one, I care not.
FRISCO
Why, when?
CURVETTO
I come, close, close; hold, rope and spare not.
[Begins to ascend ladder.]
SLUBBER
Now the candle's out.
BLURT
Peace.
CURVETTO
Frisco, light, light! My foot is slipp'd; call help!
FRISCO
Help, help, help! Thieves, thieves! Help, thieves, etc.
BLURT
Thieves? Where? Follow close: Slubber, the lanthorn! [To
Curvetto] Hold! I charge you in the duke's name, stand.
Sirrah, y'are like to hang for this. Down with him.
They take him down.
FRISCO
Master Blurt, master constable, here's his ladder; he comes to
rob my mistress. I have been scar'd out of my wits above seven
times by him and it's forty to one if ever they come in again.
I lay felony to his charge.
CURVETTO
Felony? You cony-catching slave!
FRISCO
Cony-catching will bear an action; I'll cony-catch you for this.
If I can find our key, I will aid you, Master Blurt; if not,
look to him as you will answer it upon your deathbed.
BLURT
What are you?
CURVETTO
A Venetian gentleman. Woodcock? How dost thou, Woodcock?
WOODCOCK
Thank your worship.
BLURT
Woodcock, you are of our side now, and therefore your acquaintance
cannot serve; and you were a gentleman of velvet, I would commit
you.
CURVETTO
Why, what are you, sir?
BLURT
What am I, sir? Do not you know this staff? I am, sir, the duke's
own image; at this time the duke's tongue, for fault of a better,
lies in my mouth. I am constable, sir.
CURVETTO
Constable, and commit me? Marry, Blurt, master constable!
BLURT
Away with him!
He strives.
OMNES
It's folly to strive.
BLURT
I say away with him! [To Curvetto] I'll Blurt you; I'll
teach you to stand cover'd to authority. Your hoary head shall
be knock'd when this staff is in place.
CURVETTO
Ay, but master constable--
BLURT
No, pardon me, you abuseth the duke in me, that am his cipher.
[To watch] I say away with him! Gulch, away with him;
Woodcock, keep you with me. I will be known for more than Blurt.
Exeunt [Blurt and the watch with Curvetto]. Enter Lazarillo.
LAZARILLO
Thou honest fellow, the man in the moon, I beseech thee set fire
on thy bush of thorns to light and warm me, for I am dung-wet.
I fell like Lucifer, I think, into hell, and am crawl'd out,
but in worse pickle than my lean Pilcher. Hereabout is the hothouse
of my love. Ho, ho; why, ho there!
FRISCO
Who's that? What devil stands ho-ing at my door so late?
LAZARILLO
I beseech thee, Frisco, take in Lazarillo's ghost.
FRISCO
Lazarillo's ghost? Haunt me not, I charge thee. I know thee
not. I am in a dream of a dry summer, therefore appear not to
me.
LAZARILLO
Is not this the mansion of the cherry-lipp'd Madonna Imperia?
FRISCO
Yes; how then? You fly-blown rascal, what art thou?
LAZARILLO
Lazarillo de Tormes. Sweet blood, I have a poor Spanish suit
depending in your house. Let me enter, most precious Frisco;
the mistress of this mansion is my beautiful hostess.
FRISCO
How? You turpentine pill, my wife your hostess? Away, you Spanish
vermin!
LAZARILLO
I beseech thee, most pitiful Frisco, allow my lamentation.
FRISCO
And you lament here, I'll stone you with brickbats; I am asleep.
LAZARILLO
My slop and mandillion lie at thy mercy, fine Frisco. I beseech
thee, let not my case be thine; I must and will lament.
FRISCO
Must you? I'll wash off your tears! Away, you hog's-face!
[Drenches him with urine, then] exit.
LAZARILLO
Thou hast soused my poor hog's-face. 0 Frisco, thou art a scurvy
doctor to cast my water no better; it is a most rammish urine.
Mars shall not save thee; I will make a brown toast of thy heart,
and drink it in a pot of thy strong blood!
Enter Blurt and all his watch.
BLURT
Such fellows must be taken down. Stand; what white thing is yonder?
SLUBBER
Who goes there? Come before the constable.
LAZARILLO
My dear host Blurt.
BLURT
You have blurted fair; I am by my office to examine you. Where
have you spent these two nights?
LAZARILLO
Most big Blurt, I answer thy great authority that I have been
in hell, and am scratch'd to death with puss-cats.
BLURT
Do you run a' th' score at an officer's house, and then run above
twelve score off?
LAZARILLO
I did not run, my sweet-fac'd Blurt: the Spanish fleet is bringing
gold enough to discharge all, from the Indies. Lodge me, most
pitiful bill-man!
BLURT
Marry, and will. I am in the duke's name to charge you with despicions
of felony; and burglary is committed this night, and we are to
reprehend any that we think to be faulty. Were not you at Madonna
Freckleface's house?
LAZARILLO
Signior, sí.
BLURT
Away with him, clap him up.
LAZARILLO
Most thund'ring Blurt, do not clap me; most thund'ring Blurt,
do not clap me!
BLURT
Master Lazarus, I know you are a sore fellow where you take, and
therefore I charge you in the duke's name to go without wrastling,
though you be in your shirt.
LAZARILLO
Commendable Blurt!
BLURT
The end of my commendations is to commit you.
LAZARILLO
I am kin to Don Dego, the Spanish adolantado.
BLURT
If you be kin to Don Dego that was smelt out in Paul's, you pack;
your lantedoes nor your lanteeroes cannot serve your turn. I
charge you, let me commit you to the tuition--
LAZARILLO
Worshipful Blurt, do not commit me into the hands of dogs.
OMNES
Dogs?
BLURT
Master Lazarus, there's not a dog shall bite you; these are true
bill-men that fight under the commonwealth's flag.
LAZARILLO
Blurt--
BLURT
Blurt me no Blurts; I'll teach all Spaniards how to meddle with
whores.
LAZARILLO
Most cunning constable, all Spaniards know that already; I have
meddled with none.
BLURT
Your being in your shirt bewrays you.
LAZARILLO
I beseech thee, most honest Blurt, let not my shirt bewray me.
BLURT
I say, away with him!
[Music within.]
Music? That's in the courtesan's. They are about some ungodly act, but I'll play a part in't ere morning. Away with Lazarus.
OMNES
Come, Spaniard.
LAZARILLO
Thy kites and thee, for this shall watch in dirt to feed on carrion.
BLURT
Hence, ptrooh!
LAZARILLO
0 base Blurt! 0 base Blurt! 0 base Blurt!
Exeunt.
[V.i. A room in Camillo's house]
Enter Camillo, Hipolito, Virgilio, Asorino, Baptista, Bentivolio, Doyt and Dandiprat, all weapon'd, their rapiers' sheathes in their hands.
CAMILLO
Gentlemen and noble Italians, whom I love best, who know best
what wrongs I have stood under, being laid on by him who is to
thank me for his life. I did bestow him, as the prize of mine
honour, upon my love, the most fair Violetta; my love's merit
was basely sold to him by the most false Violetta. Not content
with this felony, he hath dar'd to add the sweet theft of ignoble
marriage. She's now none's but his, and he, treacherous villain,
anyone's but her's; he dotes, my honour'd friends, on a painted
courtesan, and in scorn of our Italian laws, our family, our revenge,
loathes Violetta's bed, for a harlot's bosom. I conjure you therefore,
by all the bonds of gentility, that as you have solemnly sworn
most sharp, so let your revenge be a most sudden.
VIRGILIO
Be not yourself a bar to that suddenness by this protraction.
OMNES
Away, gentlemen, away then.
HIPOLITO
As for that light hobbyhorse, my sister, whose foul name I will
rase out with my poniard, by the honour of my family, which her
lust hath profaned, I swear--and gentlemen, be in this my sworn
brothers--I swear that as all Venice does admire her beauty, so
all the world shall be amazed at her punishment. Follow, therefore.
VIRGILIO
Stay, let our resolutions keep together; whither go we first?
CAMILLO
To the strumpet Imperia's.
OMNES
Agreed; what then?
CAMILLO
There to find Fontinell; found, to kill him.
VIRGILIO
And kill'd, to hang out his reeking body at his harlot's window.
CAMILLO
And by his body, the strumpet's.
HIPOLITO
And between both, my sister's.
VIRGILIO
The tragedy is just. On then; begin.
CAMILLO
As you go, every hand pull in a friend to strengthen us against
all opposites; he that has any drop of true Italian blood in him,
thus vow this morning to shed others', or let out his own. If
you consent to this, follow me.
OMNES
Via, away! The treacherous Frenchman dies!
HIPOLITO
[Catso], Saint Mark, my pistol; thus death flies.
Exeunt.
[V.ii. A room in Imperia's house]
Enter Fontinell and Imperia arm in arm.
IMPERIA
Ah, you little effeminate sweet chevalier, why does thou not get
a loose periwig of hair on thy chin to set thy French face off?
By the panting pulse of Venus, thou art welcome a thousand degrees
beyond the reach of arithmetic. Good, good, good, your lip is
moist and moving; it hath the truest French close, even like,
"Mapew, la, la, la, etc."
FONTINELL
Dear lady, 0 life of love, what sweetness dwells
In love's variety! The soul that plods
In one harsh book of beauty but repeats
The stale and tedious learning that hath oft
Faded the senses, when in reading more
We glide in new sweets, and are starv'd with store.
Now, by the heart of love, my Violet
Is a foul weed, 0 pure Italian flower!
She a black negro to the white compare
Of this unequal'd beauty? 0 most accurst,
That I have given her leave to challenge me!
But, lady, poison speaks Italian well,
And in a loathed kiss I'll include her hell.
IMPERIA
So, so, so; do, do, do. Come, come, come, will you condemn the
mute rushes to be press'd to death by your sweet body? Down, down,
down, here, here, here; lean your head upon the lap of my gown.
Good, good, good. 0 Saint Mark, here is a love-mark able to
wear more ladies' eyes for Jewels than-- Oh! Lie still, lie
still; I will level a true Venetian kiss over your right shoulder.
FONTINELL
Shoot home, fair mistress, and as that kiss flies
From lip to lip, wound me with your sharp eyes.
IMPERIA
No, no, no, I'll beat this cherry tree thus, and thus, and thus,
and you name wound.
Kiss him.
FONTINELL
I will offend so, to be beaten still.
IMPERIA
Do, do, do, and if you make any more such lips when I beat you,
by my virginity, you shall buss this rod. Music, I pray thee
be not a puritan. Sister to the rest of the sciences, I knew
the time when thou couldst abide handling.
Loud music.
Oh fie, fie, fie, forbear! Thou art like a puny barber, new come to the trade: thou pick'st our ears too deep. So, so, so; will my sweet prisoner entertain a poor Italian song?
FONTINELL
0, most willingly, my dear madonna.
IMPERIA
I care not if I persuade my bad voice to wrastle with this music
and catch a strain; so, so, so, keep time, keep time, keep time.
Song.
FONTINELL
Your voice does teach the music.
IMPERIA
No, no, no.
FONTINELL
Again, dear love.
Enter Frisco, Trivia, and Simperina running.
OMNES
0 Madonna! Mistress! Madonna!
FRISCO
Case up this gentleman; there's rapping at door, and one in a
small voice says there's Camillo and Hipolito.
SIMPERINA
And they will come in.
FONTINELL
Upon their deaths they shall, for they seek mine.
IMPERIA
No, no, no; lock the doors fast! Trivia, Simperina, stir!
BOTH
Alas!
FONTINELL
Come they in shape of devils this angel by,
I am arm'd; let them come in. 'Uds foot, they die!
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie, I will not have thy white body--
Knock.
VIOLETTA
[Within] What ho, madonna?
IMPERIA
0 hark! Not hurt, for the Rialto! Go, go, go, put up; by my
virginity, put up!
VIOLETTA
[Within] Here are Camillo and Hipolito.
IMPERIA
Into that little room; you are there as safe as in France or the
Low Countries.
FONTINELL
Oh God!
Exit.
IMPERIA
So, so, so, let them enter.
[Exit Frisco.]
Trivia, Simperina, smooth my gown, tread down the rushes. Let them enter, do, do, do; no words, pretty darling. [Singing] La, la, la, hey nonny nonny no!
Enter Frisco and Violetta.
FRISCO
Are two men transformed into one woman?
IMPERIA
How now? What motion's this?
VIOLETTA
By your leave, sweet beauty, pardon my excuse which under the
mask of Camillo's and my brother's names sought entrance into
this house. Good sweetness, have you not a property here, improper
to your house: my husband?
IMPERIA
Hah, your husband here?
VIOLETTA
Nay, be as you seem to be, white dove, without gall.
IMPERIA
Gall? Your husband? Ha ha ha! By my ventoy, yellow lady, you
take your mark improper. No, no, no, my sugar-candy mistress,
your goodman is not here, I assure you. Here? Ha ha!
TRIVIA and SIMPERINA
Here?
FRISCO
Much husbands here!
VIOLETTA
Do not mock me, fairest Venetian. Come, I know he's here. Good
faith, I do not blame him, for your beauty glides over his error.
Troth, I am right glad that you, my countrywoman, have received
the pawn of my affections; you cannot be hard-hearted loving him,
nor hate me, for I love him too. Since we both love him, let
us not leave him till we have call'd home the ill husbandry of
a sweet straggler. Prithee, good wench, use him well.
IMPERIA
So, so, so.
VIOLETTA
If he deserve not to be used well (as I'd be loath he should deserve
it), I'll engage myself, dear beauty, to thine honest heart.
Give me leave to love him and I'll give him a kind of leave to
love thee. I know he hears me; I prithee, try mine eyes if they
know him, that have almost drown'd themselves in their own salt
water because they cannot see him. In troth, I'll not chide him;
if I speak words rougher than soft kisses, my penance shall be
to see him kiss thee, yet to hold my peace.
FRISCO
And that's torment enough; alas, poor wench.
SIMPERINA
She's an ass, by the crown of my maidenhead; I'd scratch her eyes
out if my man stood in her tables.
VIOLETTA
Good partner, lodge me in thy private bed,
Where in supposed folly he may end
Determin'd sin. Thou smil'st; I know thou wilt.
What looseness may term dotage, truly read,
Is love ripe-gather'd, not soon withered.
IMPERIA
Good troth, pretty wedlock, thou mak'st my little eyes smart with
washing themselves in brine. I keep your cock from his own roost?
and mar such a sweet face? and wipe off that dainty red? and make
Cupid toll the bell for your love-sick heart? No, no, no, if
he were Jove's own ingle, Ganymede; fie, fie, fie, I'll none.
Your chamber-fellow is within; thou shalt enjoy my bed, and thine
own pleasure this night. Simperina, conduct in this lady. [Aside,
to Frisco] Frisco, silence. Ha ha ha! I am sorry to see
a woman so tame a fool. Come, come, come.
VIOLETTA
Star of Venetian beauty, thanks; 0, who
Can bear this wrong, and be a woman too?
Exeunt.
[V.iii. A street before Imperia's house]
Enter Camillo, Hipolito, Virgilio and others, the duke and gentlemen with him, Blurt and his watch on his side, with torches.
OMNES
We are dishonour'd! Give us way! He dies, he dies!
DUKE
I charge you, by your duties to the state,
And love to gentry, sheathe your weapons.
BLURT
Stand! I charge you put up your naked weapons, and we'll put
up our rusty bills.
CAMILLO
Up to the hilts we will in his French body.
My lord, we charge you by the ravish'd honour
Of an Italian lady, by our wrongs,
By that eternal blot, which, if this slave
Pass free without revenge, like leprosy
Will run over all the body of our fames,
Give open way to our just wrath, lest barr'd--
DUKE
Gentlemen--
CAMILLO
Breaking the bonds of honour and of duty,
We cut a passage through you with our swords.
OMNES
He that withstands us, run him through!
BLURT
I charge you, i' th' duke's name, before his own face, to keep
the peace.
CAMILLO
Keep thou the peace, that hast a peasant's heart.
WATCH
Peasant?
CAMILLO
Our peace must have her cheeks painted with blood.
OMNES
Away, through--
BLURT
Sweet gentlemen, though you have called the duke's own ghost peasant,
for I walk for him i' th' night--Kilderkin and Pissbreech, hold
out--yet hear me, dear bloods: the duke here for fault of a better
and myself--Cuckoo, fly not hence--for fault of a better, are
to lay you by the heels if you go thus with fire and sword, for
the duke is the head, and I, Blurt, am the purtenance. Woodcock,
keep by my side. Now sir--
OMNES
A plague upon this Woodcock; kill the watch!
DUKE
Now, in the name of manhood, I conjure ye,
Appear in your true shapes; Italians,
You kill your honours more in this revenge
Than in his murder. Stay, stand; here's the house.
BLURT
Right, sir, this is the whorehouse; here he calls and sets in
his staff.
DUKE
Sheathe all your weapons, worthy gentlemen,
And by my life I swear, if Fontinell
Have stain'd the honour of your sister's bed,
The fact being death, I'll pay you his proud head.
CAMILLO
Arrest him then before our eyes, and see,
Our fury sleeps.
DUKE
This honest officer--
BLURT
Blurt, sir.
DUKE
Shall fetch him forth. [To Blurt] Go, sirrah, in our
name;
Attach the French lord.
BLURT
Garlic and the rest, follow strongly.
Exeunt [Blurt and the watch].
DUKE
0, what a scandal were it to a state,
To have a stranger, and a prisoner,
Murdered by such a troop. Besides, through Venice
Are numbers of his countrymen dispers'd,
Whose rage, meeting with yours, none can prevent
The mischief of a bloody consequent.
Enter Blurt and watch, holding Fontinell and his weapons.
BLURT
The duke is within an inch of your nose and therefore I dare play
with it, if you put not up; deliver, I advise you.
FONTINELL
Yield up my weapons, and my foe so nigh?
Myself and weapons shall together yield;
Come anyone, come all.
OMNES
Kill, kill the Frenchman! Kill him!
DUKE
Be satisfy'd, my noble countrymen.
I'll trust you with his life, so you will pawn
The faiths of gentlemen, no desperate hand
Shall rob him of it; otherwise, he runs
Upon this dangerous point, that dares appose
His rage 'gainst our authority. [To Fontinell] French
lord,
Yield up this strength; our word shall be your guard.
FONTINELL
Who defies death needs none; he's well prepared.
DUKE
My honest fellow, with good defence
Enter again; fetch out the courtesan
And all that are within.
BLURT
I'll tickle her; it shall ne'er be said that a brown bill look'd
pale.
Exeunt [Blurt and] watch.
CAMILLO
Frenchman, thou art indebted to our duke.
FONTINELL
For what?
CAMILLO
Thy life, for but for him, thy soul
Had long ere this hung trembling in the air,
Being frighted from thy bosom with our swords.
FONTINELL
I do not thank your duke. Yet if you will,
Turn bloody executioners; who dies
For so bright beauty is a bright sacrifice.
DUKE
The beauty you adore so is profane;
The breach of wedlock by our law is death.
FONTINELL
Law! Give me law!
DUKE
With all severity.
FONTINELL
In my love's eyes immortal joys do dwell.
She is my heaven; she from me, I am in hell.
Therefore, your law, your law!
DUKE
Make way, she comes.
Enter Blurt leading Imperia, watch with Violetta mask'd.
IMPERIA
Fie, fie, fie.
BLURT
Your fie, fie, fie, nor your foh, foh, foh, cannot serve your
turn. Your must now bear it off with head and shoulders.
DUKE
Now fetch Curvetto and the Spaniard hither;
Their punishments shall lie under one doom.
What is she mask'd?
BLURT
A punk, too. [To watch] Follow, fellows; Slubber, afore.
Exeunt [Blurt with the watch].
VIOLETTA
She that is mask'd is leader of this masque.
What's here? Bows, bills and guns? [Unmasks] Noble Camillo,
I am sure you are lord of all this misrule; I pray
For who's sake do you make this swaggering fray?
CAMILLO
For yours, and for [our] own, we come resolv'd
To murther him that poisons your chaste bed,
To take revenge on you for your false heart.
And, wanton dame, our wrath here must not sleep;
Your sin being deep'st, your share shall be most deep.
VIOLETTA
With pardon of your grace, myself to you all,
At your own weapons, thus do answer all.
For paying away my heart, that was my own;
Fight not to win that, in good troth, 'tis gone.
For my dear love's abusing my chaste bed
And her sweet theft, alack, you are misled;
This was a plot of mine, only to try
Your love's strange temper. Sooth, I do not lie.
My Fontinell ne'er dally'd in her arms;
She never bound his heart with amorous charms.
My Fontinell ne'er loath'd my sweet embrace;
She never drew love's picture by his face.
When he from her white hand would strive to go,
She never cry'd fie, fie, nor no, no, no.
With prayers and bribes we hired her, both to lie
Under that roof: for this must my love die?
Who dare be so hard-hearted? Look you, we kiss,
And if he loathe his Violetta, judge by this.
Kiss.
FONTINELL
0 sweetest Violet, I blush.
VIOLETTA
Good [sign],
Wear still that maiden blush, but still be mine.
FONTINELL
I seal myself thine own, with both my hands,
In this true deed of gift. Gallants, here stands
This lady's champion; at his foot I'll lie
That dares touch her. Who taints my constancy,
I am no man for him; fight he with her
And yield, for she's a noble conqueror.
DUKE
This combat shall not need, for see, asham'd
Of their rash vows these gentlemen here break
This storm, and do with hands what tongues should speak.
OMNES
All friends? All friends.
HIPOLITO
[To Imperia] Punk,
you may laugh at this.
Here's tricks, but, mouth, I'll stop you with a kiss.
Enter Curvetto and Lazarillo, led by Blurt and the watch.
BLURT
Room; keep all the scabs back, for here comes Lazarus.
DUKE
Oh, here's our other spirits that walk i' th' night.
Signior Curvetto, by complaint from her
And by your writing here, I reach the depth
Of your offense. They charge your climbing up
To be to rob her; if so, then by law
You are to die unless she marry you.
IMPERIA
I? Fie, fie, fie, I will be burnt to ashes first.
CURVETTO
How? Die or marry her? Then call me daw.
Marry her--she's more common than the law--
For boys to call me ox? No, I am not drunk.
I'll play with her but, hang her, wed no punk.
I shall be a hoary courtier then, indeed,
And have a perilous head; then I were best
Lie close, lie close to hid my forked crest.
No; fie, fie, fie, hang me before the door
Where I was drown'd ere I marry with a whore.
DUKE
Well, signior, for we rightly understand
From your accusers how you stood her guest,
We pardon you and pass it as a jest.
And for the Spaniard sped so hardly too,
Discharge him, Blurt; signior, we pardon you.
BLURT
Sir, he's not to be dischar'd, nor so to be shot off; I have put
him into a new suit and have enter'd into him with an action.
He owes me two and thirty shillings.
LAZARILLO
It is thy honour to have me die in thy debt.
BLURT
It would be more honor to thee to pay me before thou diest; twenty
shillings of this debt came out of his nose.
LAZARILLO
Bear witness, great duke, he's paid twenty shillings.
BLURT
Signior No, you cannot smoke me so. He took twenty shillings
of it in a fume, and the rest I charge him with for his lying.
LAZARILLO
My lying, most pitiful prince, was abominable.
BLURT
He did lie, for the time, as well as any knight of the post did
ever lie.
LAZARILLO
I do here put off thy suit, and appeal. I warn thee to the court
of conscience, and will pay thee by two-pence a week, which I
will rake out of the hot embers of tobacco ashes, and then travel
on foot to the Indies for more gold, whose red cheeks I will kiss,
and beat thee, Blurt, if thou watch for me.
HIPOLITO
There be many of your countrymen in Ireland, signior; travel to
them.
LAZARILLO
No, I will fall no more into bogs.
DUKE
Sirrah, his debt ourself will satisfy.
BLURT
Blurt, my lord, dare take your word for as much more.
DUKE
And since this heat of fury is all spent,
And tragic shapes meet comical event,
Let this bright morning merrily be crown'd
With dances, banquets, and choice music's sound.
Exeunt.
Francis Kirkman's catalogue of 1661 ascribes Blurt, Master
Constable to Middleton, but twentieth-century studies have
seriously questioned that attribution; most of them assign the
play to Thomas Dekker. A number of these studies eliminate Middleton
by close comparative analysis of texts, by concentrating on (in
the words of E. C. Oliphant, the first editor to question Kirkman)
"the language employed (vocabulary of word and phrase), the
form into which that language is put (that is to say the construction
of the sentences), the facture of the verse into which those sentences
are moulded (that is to say...the frequency of rhyme, the proportion
of double endings, and the percentage of end-stopped lines."
For example, Blurt evidences Dekker's preference for "besides"
as opposed to Middleton's "beside," and for "Omnes,"
which Middleton used only twice. The best examples of these kinds
of studies which I have looked at are David Lake's The Canon
of Thomas Middleton's Plays and MacD. P. Jackson's Studies
in Attribution: Middleton and Shakespeare. Studies like these
are convincing, but there are critics like David Holmes (The
Art of Thomas Middleton) who examine the thematic and structural
aspects and conclude that the satirical Blurt is absolutely
Middleton.
A historical perspective does not make an attribution to Middleton impossible. In 1601, Middleton was making the transition from formal studies (at Oxford) to "daily accompanying the players" (as some of us are also wont to do). He began writing as an apprentice in the workshop of theater impresario Philip Henslowe, and he collaborated with Dekker on several plays until about 1608. Add to this the fact that Blurt was written for the same company--the boy actors of St. Paul's--that Middleton was writing for at the time.
So the question of positive attribution remains unsolved. If you follow textual analysis, you could conclude the play is entirely Dekker's; if you compare thematic and structural elements, you might conclude it is Middleton's. Of course, Blurt also could have been written by someone else (although Lake has eliminated the possibilities from the field of known playwrights, such as Jonson and Webster). At this point, however, I'm inclined to think that yet something else may have happened. It is possible that Blurt was initially written by the apprentice Middleton, but then was entirely revised or "cleaned up" by Dekker, acting as his mentor (hence the strong textual consistency with other Dekker plays). [That Middleton rather than Dekker was chiefly (if not solely) responsible for the draft can be argued from the observation that the satire is more Middletonian than Dekkerseque. True, the targets of the satire are not the merchants and lawyers who would later incur Middleton's wrath, but Blurt's satirical depiction of certain Elizabethan conventions is quite consistent with Middleton's general rejection of the literature of his predecessors.]
In the notes below, (Q) stands for the quarto edition of 1602. Besides Dyce's Works of 1840 and Bullen's of 1885-86, Blurt is available in a critical old-spelling edition by Thomas Leland Berger (1979), in which he ascribes it entirely to Dekker.
Patresq...dictant: "The austere fathers, their hair bound up in garlands, eat and recite poetry." Horace, Epistles II.i.109-110.
Doyt: a small Dutch coin worth half a farthing, a trifling sum
Dandiprat: a small coin worth three half pence
Fontinell: A fontinal is the soft part of an infant's skull; the homonym is germane.
Lazarillo de Tormes: the protagonist of the Spanish picaro novel of the same name
Pilcher: a small fish, usually dried
Blurt: a contemptuous interjection
Slubber: dull; cf. Othello I.iii., The Merchant of Venice II.viii.
Truepenny: a trusty person, an honest fellow
Imperia: a comical allusion to Bel-Imperia, the chaste heroine of Kyd's Spanish Tragedy
Frisco: a brisk movement in dancing, a caper
Five Courtesans: In III.iii., they are listed as Ladies; I have called them Courtesans to distinguish them from the Ladies in I.i.
Woodcock: a bird easily netted, thus a fool, simpleton, dupe
Gulch: glutton or drunkard
Kilderkin: cask for liquor or fish
I.i
returning from war: The beginning of Blurt is strongly reminiscent of Much Ado about Nothing in the "battle of the sexes" banter that happens after the soldiers return from the war. Furthermore, one of the ladies in Blurt is named Hero, and Blurt finds a parallel in Dogberry, although the inept constable was a common enough stage character at the time.
glove: It was a custom for gallants to wear their mistresses' gloves in their hats.
golls: hands
back you: put you on your back. Another mixing of military and sexual imagery.
unback'd: unhorsed
buff-jerkin: a soldier's short coat made of buffalo leather
soldado: soldier (Span.)
'Sfoot: By God's foot. Variations of this are throughout the play.
Ninevitical motion: A puppet show of Ninevah
rosemary: an emblem of remembrance at weddings and funerals
this in his burgonet: his mistress's glove. A burgonet is a visored helmet.
[fled]: flee (Q)
measure: a slow, stately dance
rushes: straw, which was used to cover the floors. Cf. Romeo and Juliet IV.i.
Willow, willow, willow: an allusion to the popular ballad of disappointed love. Cf. Othello IV.iii.
besides: by
kerry merry buff: a loud but not severe blow
I.ii.
lac'd mutton: prostitute
best: beast (obs.). Spanish women were alleged to be lascivious.
tobacco: Tobacco was used as a cure for rheum. It was also often used for affectation, as Lazarillo does. Cf. the Captain's story of the fashionable older brother in The Phoenix I.ii.
Irish louse: The Irish dipped their shirts in saffron to prevent lice.
commodities: I.e., prostitutes
Mother Cornelius' dry-fats: Cornelius Agrippa invented the sweating tub to cure venereal disease.
moist-handed: Supposed to indicate wantonness. Madonna was used as a term for prostitute.
chitty: from the Italian città. Later Lazarillo uses "chickness" for "sickness," "capachity" for "capacity," and "chittizens" for "citizens."
Brown Bill: a pike with a pointed hook used by watchmen
inherits: abides
curtal: castrated horse
block: whetstone
find us: keep us supplied
Spanish-leather: Spain was famous for its leather.
mirror of magistrates: an allusion to the collection of poems of the same name, published in 1559.
two: Like Dogberry, Blurt has trouble with enumeration.
camooche: a variation of camus (Fr.), a person with a pug nose. Berger glosses it as a contemptuous term for a Spaniard.
unpent-house the roof of my carcass: duff my hat. Cf. Love's Labours Lost III.i.
precept: justice's warrant
roly-poly: 1) pell-mell, without distinction, 2) a worthless fellow, rascal (obs.). Although Blurt remains relatively civil to Lazarillo, Dekker uses this word in the second sense one year later in Satiromastix: "I'll have thee in league first with these two roly-polies."
besonian: from besogno (Ital.), beggar, rogue. Cf. 2 Henry IV V.iii. and 2 Henry VI IV.i.
cousin-german: first cousin
adolantado: the king's lieutenant of a country
cozening: cheating
engross'd: named in a formal document
cancel when it comes to a sum: pay it off when it reaches a certain amount
pitch and pay: pay immediately
Thamer Cham: Timur Khan. Benedick mentions "the great Cham" in Much Ado.
Signior No: In Dekker's Noble Spanish Soldier, there is a character called "Signior No." Lazarillo later answers Blurt, "Signior, sí," perhaps a subtle indication that Blurt has finally gained the upper hand. In the final scene, I have also preferred Blurt's calling Lazarillo "Signior No" as opposed to a simple "Signior, no."
rivo ho: an exclamation used by drunkards
poor-john: hake salted and dried for food, poor fare
II.i.
tennis: Berger notes that their playing tennis characterizes
Fontinell, Camillo, and Hipolito as fops. The cost of the rackets alone limited this game to gentlemen. (Illustrations: from Illustrissimi Wirtembergici Ducalis Novi Collegii Quod Tubingae, c. 1589. Tennis was played indoors; players could use any of the walls to keep the ball in play, and could also score points by hitting the ball into one of the openings in the wall behind their opponent. And below, a closer view of the action.
Spanish needle: Spain was also famous for its needles.
tokens: Truepenny goes on to describe the typical Elizabethan signs of love melancholy. Cf. As You Like It III.ii.
a cuckold and a unicorn: I.e., sexually inactive and sexually active
points: the tagged laces by which the hose was fastened to the doublet
slop: loose breeches
othergates: otherwise, or other types of
tasting of the cog: Berger glosses as "cheating;" Bullen notes a pun between "cog" and "keg," and at the end of the line, between "body" and "bawdy."
catchpole: tax gatherer
French order: the fleur-de-lis; Hipolito refers to this later in the scene in "the fall of the leaf."
Via: an expression of defiance or impatience
Saint Mark: the patron saint of Venice
wist: thought
Saint Dennis: the patron saint of France
coin: The coin dandyprat was marked with a cross. There is more punning on coins later in the scene.
dresser: serving table
sweetball: a ball of a perfumed or aromatic substance
idea: image
vail: lower
broking: pandering
Nine Worthies: a group of nine famous conquerors comprised of three pagans (Hector, Alexander, Julius Caesar), three Jews (Joshua, David, Maccabeus), and three Christians (Arthur, Charlemagne, Godfrey of Bouillon), often mentioned in literature or represented in pageants and plays. Cf. Shakespeare's parody in Love's Labours Lost V.ii.
burnt: with the sexual innuendo of being inflamed with desire or venereal disease. Cf. Troilus and Cressida V.ii.
dag: pistol
point, per ma foy: definitely not, by my faith
crackship: I.e., boyship, a mock title
Ita: Yes
certes: certainly
vale, valete: farewell, farewell to thee
pass more currant: currant (obs.) = current, meaning easily and swiftly, but pass more currant also = be of more worth, thus inviting another round of coin punning. An angel was worth about ten shillings; but Dandiprat has not really increased his own value from the shilling mentioned earlier, because clipping the edges off a coin was one was of debasing it.
perfit: perfect
II.ii.
ventoy: fan
compendious: direct
bodkin: a hat of rich embroidered material
stitch: a sharp pain, with the obvious sartorial pun
incony: delicate
tedious: extended
ingle: wheedle
cast: cast off for servants
etc.: This and the other et ceteras throughout the play show the high degree of improvisation allowed.
[pretty]: I follow Bullen's emendation of cherry (Q).
coxcomb: a cap worn by professional fools; it also refers to the head.
service: with the sexual double entendre
jack: the figure that struck the bell on the outside of a clock
chicken-hearts: Elizabethan superstition held that fair-headed men were cowardly. Cf. Andrew Aguecheek in Twelfth Night.
rod-woman: seller of twigs
incontinently: immediately
Ganymede: the cup-bearer to Zeus and the gods
counterfeit: portrait. Frisco then puns on counterfeit money, which was often nailed up.
Wut: Wilt
Much!: said sarcastically
a-slopen: asleep
pinnace: a small, light vessel; when applied to a woman, a prostitute
lie close: lie in such a way as to leave no opening between. This is indeed Curvetto's catch-phrase throughout the play.
gurnet's head: A gurnet is a fish with a large, spiny head.
teston: six-pence
fast: fast asleep
roba: wanton. A bona roba was a term for a courtesan.
wearied: with the sexual innuendo
Marry muff!: an expression of contempt. Cf. 1 The Honest Whore II.i.
ling: a long, slender fish with a large mouth
whiting: a small fish with pearly white flesh, also having a large mouth. Curvetto is constantly being compared to a fish head, here one thrown away and left to rot ("time out of mind"). See note below on Imperia's dream of "a goodly codshead."
stock: stocking
pan'd: with panels or stripes inserted. Berger explains that Curvetto is forced to stuff his hose because his legs are not large enough to fill them.
Monsieur Motte: Bertrand de Salignac Fenelon, Seigneur de la Mothe, Ambassador to England from 1568 to 1575
hose: no see (Q); stone (Dyce, Bullen). "Hose" is Berger's clever emendation: 1) it completes the rhyme, 2) the "H" and "N" are close enough to reason that the compositor made an error, 3) it clarifies the stage direction "Puts it up," and 4) it fills out (as it were) Curvetto's later line, "In my t'other hose," which would otherwise be merely proverbial for "Not if I can help it." I would add to Berger's arguments that Curvetto's hiding the diamond in his hose parallels Imperia's dream of "a goodly codshead," and brings out all the inherent puns on codpiece and stones.
lavolta: a lively dance for two persons, consisting of high and vigorous leaping
zanies: attendants
[torches]: Dyce's emendation for Coaches (Q)
I am conjur'd, and will keep my circle: A spirit was conjured within a circle and was thus not able to hurt the conjurer.
suckets: sweetmeats
bale: pair
a' high lone: alone
without: unless
leezing: losing
toledo: a sword made in Toledo, Spain
linstock: a stick to hold matches for igniting a cannon
Roaring Meg: a huge cannon, from the great fifteenth-century cannon in Edinburgh Castle called Mons Meg
Don Dego: a derisive term for a Spaniard, from the story circulating around 1600 concerning a Don Diego who disgraced himself with flatulence in Saint Paul's Cathedral. Among the many plays at this time that reference it is Dekker's and Webster's Sir Thomas Wyatt (Iv.iv.). Blurt later threatens Lazarillo with, "If you be kin to Don Dego that was smelt out in Paul's, you pack."
cutler's: Cutlers would cut cheeks to make them red.
contagious: pernicious
batten: grow fertile
lecture of discipline: lesson of conduct
underlip: vagina
III.i.
up with these brims: Bullen notes that Camillo has his hat drawn over his eyes as the Inamorato is represented in the frontispiece of Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy.
yellow-hammer: a species of bunting, applied in contempt to a person, usually a jealous husband. Yellowhammer is a character in A Chaste Maid in Cheapside.
water: urine
cast it: tested; cf. 2 Henry IV I.ii.
Brest: a town in Brittany, located on the slopes of two hills, as Berger notes
Cerebrus: the watchdog that guarded the entrance to the underworld. Charon was the porter.
Hymen: the god of marriage
physic: medicine
"Love bred...to spell.": The quotation marks around these lines are gnomic pointers, used to set off sententiae, or aphorisms. This is a favorite device of Middleton.
dapple-colour'd: spotted, here with make-up, and therefore indicating a whore
Incestancy: Berger glosses as "incest;" Bullen claims this is the author's coining.
rivelled: shriveled
gelderling: a female gelder
clogg'd: chained
injunction of a golden fee: dowry
laugh and lie down: an obsolete game of cards
bellman: Bullen sees a parallel with Macbeth II.ii. here.
owes: owns
tit: hussy
Susanna: Berger sees this as an ironic reference to the chaste and beautiful Susanna of Apocrypha.
punk: whore
muskcat: usually a whore, but here reversed (Fontinell)
bugbear: harmless
a' life: by my life
Saint Lorenzo: The following scene parodies Romeo and Juliet II.iv., anticipated by the Italianate form of Friar Lawrence's name for the monastery.
'scape: escape
Cynthia: the moon
III.ii.
noddy: a card game
durance: coarse cloth
III.iii.
ten a' clock: Bullen and Berger note that the preceding scene happened at midnight.
duck: term of endearment
tablebooks: notebooks
aqua-vitae: liquor
rosa-solis: liquor
stockfishes: cod. It is now Lazarillo's turn to be compared to fish.
tawing: preparation
'tis Greek to me: proverbial; cf. Julius Caesar I.ii.
[Lazarillo]: Lazarino (Q)
skreet: discrete
unclipp'd angels: virgins, but the coin reference is there again
Economical Cornucopia: Berger notes the oxymoron of the title.
a-per-se: chief excellence
ela: the highest note in the musical scale
crochets: very brief (or quick) musical notes
pricking: giving, with the sexual innuendo
sops-in-wine: Bullen believes they are now called pinks.
black patches: considered ornamental
in print: in a precise manner
poking-sticks: steel sticks used to set the plaits of the ruff
sweating: again, an indication of wantonness
quarter: Berger glosses as "quartern ague," but the more germane OED definition is, a fourth part of the lunar period: Lazarillo is referring to "chickness" within the menstrual cycle.
where: whereas
breed young bones: are pregnant
peascods: pea pods
cormorant: a fishing bird, an emblem of gluttony
posset: drink of hot milk curdled with liquor
content: social level
take you all up: adopt you as my protégés
lerry: learning
bias: advantage; in bowls, the kind of impetus given to cause the bowl to run obliquely
foregame: preliminary game
a rubbers: the entire game at bowls
alablaster: alabaster
tailor: Tailors were often held in contempt.
nock: notch on the bow where the string is tied
IV.i.
goldfinch: Curvetto refers to the gold in his purse.
perilous: shrewd. A variation of this is "parlous," which Curvetto uses elsewhere and which gave Dyce the emendation for Paulons (Q) in the last line of this scene.
Hug: Snug
"Lanthorne and Candlelight!": the cry of the bellman. It would also become the title of one of Dekker's tracts, Lanthorne and Candlelight, or the Bellman's Second Night Walk (1609).
O sconce! and O sconce!: Berger glosses sconce as lantern, but sconce also means head, and so Dyce's supposition reads best: "O my head! and O my lantern!" or vice versa depending on how you'd work the comic bit.
punkateroes: panders
ban: curse
rose-water: a sweet-smelling perfume, hence ironic
Bounce!: It seems the compositor thought this was a stage direction; it is of course part of the line.
head: on my head
sheep's-head: fool
Go from my window: Part of an old song, two stanzas of which appear in The Knight of the Burning Pestle
Go by, old Jeronimo: An allusion to Kyd's Spanish Tragedy
shift you: change your clothes
scud: hurry
[knew]: know (Q)
IV.ii.
pantaples: slippers
up and down: In (Q) this is followed by "A song presently within" to signal the musicians to be ready.
Saint Jaques: Saint James. Berger sees an oblique reference to As You Like It and Jaques's famous Seven Ages of Man speech.
Seven Wise Masters: Thales of Miletus, Solon of Athens, Bias of Priene, Chilo of Sparta, Cleobulus of Rhodes, Periander of Corinth, and Pittacus of Mytilene. Berger notes the allusion to the lost Seven Wise Masters by Day, Chettle, and Haughton.
cats [cry]: Cats cryes (Q), both lines
Greeks' wooden curtal: the Trojan Horse
pavin: a stately dance in which the dancers were ornately dressed
countryman: Berger notes that as a Spaniard, Lazarillo would be a Catholic, in league with Satan through the Jesuits. The Middleton play that comes to mind is, of course, A Game at Chess.
[Satan]: Satin (Q), which Dyce glosses as a play on words
Ho: Stop
in his shirt: i.e., without armor
cast away: vomit
fatting: i.e., which will grow fertile
IV.iii.
'ware: beware
Cast: plan, devise
cony-catching: cheating
action: legal suit
Woodcock? How dost thou, Woodcock?: In (Q) this line is given to Blurt, but it is clearly Curvetto's, who tries to get out of his predicament by calling on his acquaintance with Woodcock. Berger adds Blurt's name to the end of the previous sentence, claiming the compositor mistook the name Blurt for a speech prefix. Although that may be the case, Curvetto seems not to recognize Blurt until a few lines later, hence I have rejected Berger's particular emendation.
the man in the moon: Cf. A Midsummer Night's Dream V.i.
hothouse: brothel
suit: 1) appeal, 2) his abandoned clothes
turpentine: foul-smelling
mandillion: a loose garment without sleeves, a soldier's cloak
rammish: 1) foul-smelling, 2) lascivious. Cf. The Phoenix I.ii.
make a brown toast of thy heart: toast your heart over a fire. Cf. Henry V II.i.
score: The first score = reckoning, the second score = twenty, as in a measurement of distance.
despicions: Like Dogberry, Blurt uses malaprops; despicions = suspicions, reprehend = apprehend.
clap him up: imprison him
take: ingest or void materials (Berger)
lantedoes: shortened form of adolantado
tuition: custody
bewrays: betrays, with a pun on berays (fouls)
V.i.
Catso: Dyce's emendation of At so (Q); a derisive term for the penis. Cf. Marston's The Malcontent I.iii.
V.ii.
close: conclusion of a musical phrase
Mapew: Dyce conjectured "Mais peu," the beginning of a lost French song.
pick'st our ears: Barbers would clean their customers' ears by picking them.
wait: wait on the gods, i.e., serve as cup-bearer
Phoebe: the moon
motion: device or, as earlier noted, puppet show
yellow: jealous
glides: Dyce and Bullen emend to gilds, but Berger accepts the Q reading, seeing a similar usage earlier in the scene. However, the usage is not similar because Fontinell juxtaposes gliding in the loves of a variety of women with plodding in monogamy, and so Fontinell's gliding is synonymous with reveling, or having free rein. However, "glides" does work here, for "glides over" is synonymous with "skips over" or "is untouched by," which is to say, Imperia's beauty excuses Fontinell's inconstancy.
in her tables: on her side. The metaphor is drawn from backgammon.
lodge me in thy private bed: This ploy sounds similar to the popular Elizabethan bed trick, the crucial difference being that Fontinell no doubt hears Violetta's request, as she herself realizes.
ingle: favorite
V.iii.
fames: reputations
lay you by the heels: stop you
here he calls and sets in his staff: Berger claims this is the compositor's error for what should be a stage direction. Berger may be correct, but it is clearly within Blurt's character to quibble on the bawdy.
Attach: Arrest
appose: oppose
lord of all this misrule: person appointed master of Christmas and May revels
[our]: your (Q)
[sign]: figure (Q). Berger's emendation, which completes the rhyme, comes from a Folger manuscript of Blurt.
lie: used transitively, as lay. The sense is, "I'll knock down whoever touches Violetta, but she will defend my honor."
mouth, I'll stop you with a kiss: one final parallel with Much Ado, whose final scene contains a very similar line
You are to die unless she marry you: Berger notes that this choice is probably taken from Castiglione's The Courtier, Book 2. Cf. Measure for Measure and the choice given Lucio, another frequenter of brothels.
daw: fool
ox: fool
forked crest: the forehead of a cuckold
came out of his nose: i.e., in tobacco smoke
smoke: cheat
lying: 1) accommodations, 2) falsifications
knight of the post: one who gained a living by giving false evidence
many of your countrymen in Ireland: In September 1601,
Don Juan D'Aguila landed in Ireland with 6000 troops to support
the Earl of Tyrone's rebellion. They fortified themselves at Kinsale and
capitulated the following year. Illustration: Tyrone submitting to a truce, a ploy he used to his advantage more than once.